Sup, Bae: A Reference For The References I Will Be Making On Our First Date

Feel free to print this out and bring it along with you, or preload to your iPhone (lol what is paper even?).

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: The Bronze

What I’m trying to say is: I crave a chill place that we can call our own (and if incredible melodrama were to maybe go down there, I would not be opposed). Let’s get out of here.

The Matrix

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: Neo’s in a car with Switch, Trinity, and that dude with the long hair who dies first. Neo gives Switch lip and she is like, hi, there are agents of the fucking techno apocalypse everywhere I have ZERO time for white male privilege right now. If you’re gonna be this way get out of the car. Neo opens the door, and Trinity tells him to wait. It’s raining outside. There’s a lonely looking rain-splattered road outside. “Why?” he asks. “Because,” says Trinity, “you have been down there, Neo. You know that road. You know exactly where it ends. And I know that’s not where you want to be.”

What I’m trying to say is: I like to try new things. Do you like to try new things?

Naruto

Reference Level: MEDIUM DEEP
Specifically: Kurama the Nine Tails Demon trapped inside a little ninja orphan boy

What I’m trying to say is: It’s hard for me to control my emotion sometimes, but I’m a good person; or, when I’m drunk I like to dance. Do you want to dance?

Grant Morrison’s X-Men

Reference Level: DEEP af, honestly (sorry)
Specifically: Emma Frost stops the cab, returns to Xavier’s Mansion for her designer purse just as genocidal maniac Cassandra Nova is about to murder everyone, and nonchalantly snaps Cassandra Nova’s neck.

What I’m trying to say is: I’m feeling a little overdressed, but listen: I still maintain a vigorously masculine thirst for justice and do not believe these things are mutually exclusive.

Kevin Smith

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: Any casual name drop of the first five titles: Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, or Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

What I’m trying to say is: I’m from New Jersey, and I will never apologize for that.

The Sun Also Rises

Reference Level: MEDIUM DEEP
Specifically: The tortured mirror moment

What I’m trying to say is: I have legitimate intimacy issues but I am aware of them, I am working on them; also, I do sometimes read real things.

Dragon Ball Z

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: Gohan, the last man standing between a genetically-designed super-being and the end of the world, witnesses the murder of his robot friend. Exhausted, broken arm clutched tightly to his chest, he screams and goes ‘Super Saiyan 2,’ which no one even knew was a thing. (respect)

What I’m trying to say is: If you want to get with me, you gotta get with my friends.

Steven Spielberg

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: The moment they first see the brachiosaurus in Jurassic Park; Indiana Jones runs from the giant boulder; literally everything in E.T.; bonus: Elle Fanning’s makeup being done by that little boy in Super 8 which is technically J.J. Abrams but please.

What I’m trying to say is: I eventually want to have kids. Do you eventually want to have kids y/n ?

Pokémon

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: Pikachu defeats Raichu (in the most adorable way)

What I’m trying to say is: Will triumphs over power, always; and, hey, am I being cool and assertive enough or… ?

Star Trek: The Next Generation

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: “We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.”

What I’m trying to say is: Oh, right, politics. Listen, babe, I’m a libertarian. Deal. With. It.

Star Trek: Voyager

Reference Level: MEDIUM DEEP
Specifically: When Seven of Nine says “Voyager is my collective now.”

What I’m trying to say is: But I have a ‘softer side.’

Snowcrash

Reference Level: MEDIUM DEEP
Specifically: The Metaverse

What I’m trying to say is: Yo, the future is gonna be pretty cool but complicated af socio-politically, culturally, spiritually. What is reality, even? What do you think about this? Do you think about this? Or think? I find your high-level attractiveness and generally-affable nature highly suspicious and am frightened you may be ‘the whole package.’

Scream

Reference Level: LOW
Specifically: Neve asks Skeet Ulrich for a PG-13 relationship, shows him her boobs, and laughs, because she does not yet know that her high school boyfriend is a psychopathic killer (who also raped her mother p.s.). She is just a sweet, simple girl with a hot boyfriend and a #dark past.

What I’m trying to say is: I’ve been burned before, bad, and I don’t know if I can do all that again. Can we take this slow?

Battlestar Galactica

Reference Level: MEDIUM DEEP
Specifically: Casual Starbuck or Caprica Six name drop

What I’m trying to say is: “Let’s have another shot of whiskey” for Starbuck; “we can make out now if you want” for Caprica Six

BONUS ROUND — IF THE DATE IS GOING POORLY

The Invisibles

Reference Level: DEEP af, honestly (sorry)
Specifically: Lord Fanny, a transgendered Brazilian shaman, real talking some hardcore basic, makes clear the situation: “I’m an international freedom fighter and a photogenic witch, darling. I’m the most glamorous creature you’ll ever meet. And you know what’s so sweet? You don’t even believe a word I’m saying, do you?”

What I’m trying to say is: bye

BONUS ROUND — IF THE DATE IS GOING WELL

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Reference Level: MEDIUM DEEP
Specifically: “AND THEN FIRE, SHOT DOWN FROM THE SKY IN BOLTS, LIKE SHINING BLADES OF A KNIFE, AND IT RIPPED, RIGHT THROUGH THE FLESH, OF THE CHILDREN OF THE SUN AND THE MOON AND THE EARTH, AND SOME INDIAN GOD SEWED THE WOUND UP TO A HOLE, TO REMIND US THE PRICE WE PAYED, AND OSIRIS, AND THE GODS OF THE NILE, GATHERED UP A BIG STORM…” etc.

What I’m trying to say is: Have I told you yet I live alone?