7 Types Of Twitter Bios That I’ve Deconstructed For You (Just Because)

Twitter bios are our generation's way of briefly identifying themselves to the masses.

Updated 10 years ago, June 4, 2014

Twitter bios are our generation’s way of briefly identifying themselves to the masses. As a seasoned social media covert agent, these bios are often the first thing I look at. They offer a quick outline of the subject matter I’m going to be dealing with and help me decide if the prey is worth the stalk. There are several recurring themes I’ve noticed in my “research” and they all shed light on the mentality of their creator. Who knew so few characters could say so much?

1. “Inspirational” quote.

You’re probably a Libra and proud of it. You are very idealistic and used to have hair feathers when those were a thing. You retweet a lot of motivational pictures and tell people that you love to travel even though the only time you’ve been out of the country was on your family vacation to Jamaica when you were 14. At least you got a sweet henna while you were there. Keep on dancing in the rain like you deserve to be the breath taken away from the love that fell together when you stopped wishing and started blessing.

2. Greek letters.

You love being a size small and wearing a size large. You probably like monograms. If you’re of the dude variety, you listen to a lot of Dave Matthews and drink cheap beer. Alright, alright. I’m in a sorority and there is nothing wrong with that. Just don’t let it be the most interesting thing about you.

3. Pop lyrics.

You have a year-round spray tan and/or several glow-in-the-dark keychains. You only date guys who drive Dodges. Speaking of vehicles, yours is most likely neon. Unless the lyrics are “dirty pop,”–which is brilliant by the way, feel free to use that–this bio could use some work.

4. Country lyrics.

How spunky and fun-loving of you. I’m sure that one ex-boyfriend with the boots really misses your crazy southern drawl and your skin tight jeans driving the tractor in the moonlight by the creek.

5. Rap lyrics.

How hilariously ironic of you, white girls. (Me included, don’t hate yourself too much). You have terrible dance moves and have probably been in a “complicated relationship” with your best friend on Facebook.

6. Quote from a Will Ferrell movie.

You are probably not as hilarious as you think you are.

7. No bio.

“What? I can’t slide over? Who even are you?” – me intrigued by your impressive mystique and nonchalance.

I’m sure you all have some pretty choice opinions of me now. Cynical. Insolent. Contemptuous. I know. There is probably a blog out there criticizing girls sitting around eating tortilla chips and over-analyzing people’s twitter bios. Don’t let me get to you. I’m just always right and that’s something that none of us can change. Remember, if your “blessed” isn’t sarcastic, we aren’t laughing with you.