Kindergarten

Never trust anyone named Hunter or Gunner.

1st Grade

Teeth are a money making opportunity; pull them out.

2nd Grade

You are never too young to get fat.

3rd Grade

Lemon dish soap is NOT a substitute for deodorant. It will make your armpits sticky and yellow.

4th Grade

You might think its funny to push your friends face into the drinking fountain…but they won’t.

5th Grade

If your teacher offers you half an egg salad sandwich…eat it. Always.

6th Grade

It is a bad idea to do impersonations of your math teacher’s speech impediment to her face.

7th Grade

Don’t ever sing opera in the goat barn. Someone WILL hear you.

8th Grade

Always check the location of your thong before exiting the bathroom. It is possible that you pulled it up over your sweater.

9th Grade

Nair + eyebrows = ugly.

10th Grade

You can get fired from a job if you don’t act ‘mature’ enough. (Thanks, Subway.)

11th Grade

Black hair only works for some people.

12th Grade

Smoking cigarettes can and will get you grounded for a very long time.

Freshman year

Long Islanders are people too.

Sophomore year

It is okay to lock your friend’s keys in their car. It is not okay to forget which car is theirs and instruct a cop to break into the wrong vehicle.

Junior year

You can drive for an awfully long time on a flat tire.

Senior year

You still don’t understand a THING about life.