40 People Tell The Hilarious Stories That Perfectly Sum Up The Stupidest People They’ve Ever Met
"A guy in my high school who was convinced that the Dutch had sore throats at night from their accent/language."
Found on Ask Reddit
1.
My freshman year roommate dropped a class because he wanted to play his PlayStation more. It put him below the minimum credit threshold for his scholarships and his parents owed $40,000
2.
Guy I worked with named Buddy bought a huge Snap-On roll-away tool box for over $3,000, on credit. Two days later, he sold it to a coworker for $1,500 because he had some overdue bills and had to pay them.
Needless to say, he never paid Snap-On for the toolbox he was off into the winds after he was fired for starting his fourth fist-fight at work. One of the other guys I worked with told the Snap-On salesman where Buddy’s new job was, and last we heard they are now garnishing his wages.
Guy was a nutcase though. He had very thin skin and the slightest thing would set him off. He’s go absolutely nutswhen he was set off though. He yelled at the security guard and threatened to have him fired because he didn’t like his tone. He almost got fired three times for fighting, but he was able to win the department manager over until the fourth time. Oh, and one time he was told to put Caution Tape across a malfunctioning gate and he said “I don’t know how.”
3.
My friend’s father robbed a bank in a small town in Indiana where he lived. This was in the late 70’s or early 80’s. He spent 10 years in prison for the crime. The same day he was released from prison, he robbed the same bank again. He was caught and back to prison he goes. He did not learn in those 10 years not to rob any banks or anything in that matter. My friend was like this is what every father does and did not seem shocked over it.
— Lanna33
4.
Guy I went high school with was at a party and asked the homeowner if he could have her tattoo kit, she obviously said no. He left and came back an hour later with a ski mask on demanding for the tattoo kit. Was arrested the next day. Can’t make up that kind of stupidity.
5.
I once called an Uber driver. When he arrived, he immediately asked me: “Are you going to (X location?)?”. I said: “No.” He responded: “Great, because I’m not going to take you to (X location).” “Fine”, I said.
The journey got underway, and I was curious as to what he would’ve done if I’d said that yes, I wanted to go to X location. So I asked him: “Hey, what would you have done if I had said that I DID want to go to X location?”. He responded: “Look man, I’m not going to fucking take you to X location, OK? I told you already.”
I was a bit befuddled, but I tried again: “No no, I don’t want to go there. In fact, you already know where I want to go, it’s on your destination map. I’m just curious, what if I DID want to go to X location? Would you have refused me the trip? Would you have driven off?”
He said: “Look man I can’t change the trip now. And anyway I told you I refuse to go to X location. You gotta understand I’m busy.”
we spent nearly 15 minutes with variations of this back and forth. He was a fluent English speaker, by the way. By the end of it, I was 100% convinced that he couldn’t understand the syntax of a hypothetical. He literally couldn’t understand the question “if (X situation which is NOT the case) then what action would you take?”
I wasn’t even mad, just astonished. How had he navigated through life thus far? What were his financial decisions like? I really wanted to follow him home and make a reality TV show about him or something.
6.
This girl I went to school with thought earth had two moons and adamantly argued with me and a teacher.
7.
I worked on a hay press for about a month. Most guys had high school education. One particular guy was telling me about a girl he was talking to on Tinder (or some various dating/chat app) when he said that she was in New York and that he wanted to go visit her. I told him that that’s pretty cool and New York will be quite the change from our little town. He then asked me how close New York was… we were in Washington state… he had no idea New York was over 2,000 miles away.
8.
I almost dated a girl who thought the sun and moon were the same thing
9.
Coworker was anti wind mills. When I asked why she said “there are way too many popping up and we’re going to use up all of the wind.”
I was speechless. I’m never speechless.
10.
My 24 year old cousin.
She legitimately thought that my sister being a vegetarian meant that she could not eat animal crackers…
11.
A girl from high school believed that outer space isn’t real, that Benjamin Franklin invented the time machine, and was unaware of hammers. Funny enough, she was a good student and went to a prestigious university.
12.
I am sure if I thought real hard I could come up with someone more stupid, but this story is pretty good.
There was this receptionist at the veterinary office we have taken our dogs to over the years who argued with my dad about how to pronounce his own name. He went in to pick up some perscription something for our dog Daisy and this girl asked the typical “name of dog, name of owner” type questions.
“We have it listed as Michelle and you don’t look like a Michelle,” she says. Dad asked how it was spelled on the monitor and sure enough it was still spelled “Michael,” dad’s name.
He said “That says Michael. That’s my name.” And she argued with him about it! He had to get his driver’s license out to show her, and even though she finally relented to let him pick up whatever it was he was down there to pick up, she was adamant my dad has been mispronouncing his own name for 50+ years.
The best part is Dad tells us this whole story and we think nothing of it til like 3 months later when Mom took the dog in for a check up. The girl still thought the owner of the dog was “Michelle” and that my mom must be in a lesbian relationship. Mom gently corrected the lady that it was Michael and again this girl was adamant it was pronounced Michelle. Mom, bemused, said something along the lines of “It’s literally a name from the Bible. It’s pronounced Michael and has been for thousands of years.” The receptionist sat in silence outside of the minimal amount of talking needed for the rest of that visit.
13.
Guy stole a bike. Cop stopped him and asked where he got it. He said he stole it.
— Neltech
14.
When I was in the military we had to halt a convoy due to a broken down truck. So I was standing around with a few others for security when I hear a driver behind us yelling for his Squad Leader. Looking to see what he needed, I observe thick smoke billowing from his truck. He keeps yelling “_____, my truck is on fire!” without getting out of his seat and attempting to extinguish the fire/remove the weapons, ammo, and sensitive electronics. I was dumbfounded.
15.
My sister, who carved a swastika on her own arm.
16.
Helped a client out to his car with some merchandise. He struggled for a bit to get into the vehicle. I, jokingly, asked if it was his car. He backed up, looked at it and said, “Nope. No this is not my car” and went to a different color and make of car in the lot. There were only 3 cars in the whole lot.
17.
This girl I used to work with before she got fired. One day she came to work with a broken arm and claimed her boyfriend pushed her during a fight and she fell. We all were super concerned for her until she came in a week later saying she stabbed her boyfriend in the hand during a fight to get back at him for breaking her arm.
Then a few weeks later she told everyone she was secretly trying to get pregnant, because if she got pregnant her unemployed boyfriend would have to get a job and help pay rent. She got pregnant and her boyfriend immediately dumped her.
18.
17 year old claiming that his IQ is 1.7 if you round up.
19.
The first time I ever met my future sister-in-law, she asked me: “if you’re Canadian, how come you speak American?” She was 20 at the time.
— sosqueee
20.
There was this guy at my high school that wasn’t too bright and was mostly harmless but about halfway through decided he was gonna be a thug. One day he goes into a class of first years when their teacher wasn’t there and robs all their electronics, cash and valuables at knife point without covering his face and before he left gave them his real name saying, “And you better not tell them it was me Jim Conrad that stole all your stuff.” He then proceeded to leave school grounds with all the stolen stuff but decides against stashing it off campus and so came back with all the stolen stuff in his backpack and went back to spy on the class with his backpack full of loot while police officers were their taking statements to make sure they weren’t ratting him out…
The kids all rat him out and when he hears his name he steps into the class proclaiming he’d gut them if they didn’t take back saying he did it… with the officers still in the class and all his loot on his back… He was expelled and arrested and when word got to our year group everyone just face palmed.
21.
I had manager named Roxanne (Rocky). She was a bleach blonde (literally bleached her hair once a month and then wondered why it broke/fell out) bubble head who only had the job because daddy owned the restaurant.
Rocky was really obsessed with her looks and not much else. One day she told me, and a co-worker, that she had her nose job done so that her eventual children wouldn’t grow up with the same nose as her. She wasn’t kidding. The co-worker and I just looked at each other and walked away. We knew it wasn’t worth the effort.
— Adastria
22.
Work with a guy who honestly believes he will not die. Also believes that doctor’s are”part of the system” and that they lie to you for profit and personal gain. He does believe in Eastern traditional medicine however. And if you’re interested to know his secret to eternal life, it’s 6 raw eggs a day and a keto diet.
— Terri23
23.
I work for a small retailer and we had “that guy” for a while. He would call every day and ask the same questions. And no, not in different ways or something that could be construed as clever.
This same person also couldn’t figure out the key fob for his own car and had to have his 5 year old daughter let him into his own car. He has kids, let that sink in for a second.
He’s incapable of basic math besides addition and subtraction. We buy stuff and we when tell him he get’s 30% he didn’t understand what that meant. He also asks every time how much he’s getting, despite not understanding the answer.
I’m not sure he actually knows how to drive. We have a dumpster in our parking lot and he manages to bump it every time with his car. Every time he leaves we have to go move it because he hits it on the way in and out.
Back to the fact that he’s a father somehow, he’s also an awful parent. We have witnessed him telling his kids they are worthless and terrible, stupid, dumb and any number of insults that are more applicable to himself. Unfortunately, that’s not something we can report to CPS.
I have watched him, on more than one occasion, fail to open the door to the bathroom and simply walk into it face first.
He once came in with a hamburger of some kind and while eating it, pulled a packet of mustard out of his pocket. He did not put this mustard on his hamburger, he instead bit into the packet and sucked the mustard out.
I could keep going.
— butsuon
24.
my friends sister was 20 and pregnant, she said something about how upset she was her vagina would be ruined, i jokingly said “maybe he’ll come out of your butt instead” she said “what do you mean? can they come out of there too?”, i thought she was joking so i just said “duh, it’s a 50/50 shot” she thought i was serious and asked her doctor if he could tell if the baby was gonna come out of her vagina or ass.
25.
A guy in my high school who was convinced that the Dutch had sore throats at night from their accent/language
— LAW9960
26.
I can sum it up very easily: We were at the shooting range, his gun jammed, he looked down the barrel to see what was wrong.
27.
There was this girl I knew in high school, she would constantly say or do stupid things.
Examples:
- She drew a cover page for a unit in science class, where she drew Earth, and put ground underneath it.
- Asked “What lightbulbs did cavemen use?”
- Argued that she wasn’t a homosapien because “she liked men”
— Profusi
28.
Old coworker of mine. He was helping me move and while we were carrying a couch he dropped it. Thinking he was hurt I asked if he was ok and with the most serious and frightening look in his eyes he said pointing : ‘Look it’s the moon and it’s day time.’ …. he was 25 at the time.
— DF_282
29.
My mom’s cousin was the getaway driver when his friends held up a 7-11. He had some outstanding tickets at the time. As he was driving his moron friends him home, he sped past a cop, who inevitably pulled him over. He defended his bad driving by telling the cop he was just the getaway driver. Then he got arrested. He has since been arrested for a series of other similarly stupid crimes.
He also believes that there’s a global cabal of Jews who are out to get him. Recently, he got a DUI, which got his license revoked. This was obviously because of the Jews and not because he decided to drive drunk past a police station. When he was denied a gun license, that was the Jews at work. I have no idea why he thinks a global cabal would be focused on some moron from Saskatchewan.
30.
Literally this guy got fired last week for doing this. Whenever a customer would enter the store he would mimic everything they said whilst already bad enough he would try his best to copy their accent too no matter what accent it was.
Multiple complaints to our store have been made about this guy and he had plenty of warnings. Well last week he finally got fired while serving an Asian customer and in FULL view of our manager he says this.
“HERROOOOO WOULD YOU RIKE A BRAG?”
Got pulled into the office where apparently he still maintained he’d done nothing wrong and couldn’t understand why he was being fired. Definately a dumbass.
31.
Science class, seventh grade. The power went out, and we were waiting for the buses to get ready to take us home. I said something to the guy next to me akin to, “A transformer probably blew.”
And I shit you not, the guy sitting across from me looked me straight in the eyes and said this:
“Transformers aren’t real.”
Like I was the dumb one.
32.
I have a friend named Rachel. Now this one night in high school, we all got the munchies and decided to go get ourselves some late night Sonic. We pile into Rachel’s car even though we’ve heard stories about her bad driving but that’s another story. Anyway, she asks us how to get to Sonic and we proceed to give her direction turn for turn until we finally pull into the Sonic parking lot. Upon our arrival, she smirks and says, “Oh I work here!”
33.
The first time I met Ben was in Improv 101. I was only taking the class for fun, but about half the people there were aspiring actors… including Ben. On the first day, the teacher had us all play this silly game to break the ice and so we’d all remember each other’s names. The rules are pretty simple: 1) pick an adjective that starts with the same letter as your first name, 2) introduce yourself using Adjective + First Name, and 3) do a simple gesture that goes with it. So everyone is going around the circle, introducing themselves as Daring Daniel and Lonely Lauren and Awesome Alex… until we get to Ben. Ben introduces himself as “Surfer Ben.”
He proceeded to misunderstand at least one key element of every game or exercise for the rest of the class. I have no clue how this man functions in daily life. He has since managed to get a few featured extra roles on TV, though.
34.
My brother. He is genuinely the stupidest person I know.
He has broke his arms five times, three for the right arm and two for the left. This is how he did it:
1.) age 7, dancing on a table, fell off. 2.) age 15, smoking pot with friend, cop shows up and he runs, jumps a fence, shorts get caught, he FALLS OUT OF THEM onto his arm. 3.) Age 17, runs in front of his friends truck as it went down the road at ~30 mph. 4.) Age 19, Was trying to hide from someone and jumped over a couch, and somehow broke his arm
(I don’t remember how he broke it the other time, I just know it’s been five times.)
He was arrested for possession of a firearm when he is not legally allowed to own one. It was his friends firearm. He pointed it at a cop.
He got expelled from my high school. Twice.
He got expelled from public school on the last day of school for writing “raped a pregnant bitch; call it a threesome” on a final. Note: these are rap lyrics, he did not actually rape a pregnant woman.
He had two lines in a mandatory play. He still messed it up.
While in prison he got a marijuana leaf tattooed on his face.
Upon seeing him for the first time after prison he said, “Mom thinks I’m getting it removed but I’m only gonna make it better. I’m also gonna get Chinese lettering down my face.” (We are painfully white.)
He dropped out of high school before finishing the tenth grade. Not because he had to, just because he didn’t like school and wanted to do drugs instead. He ended with a 3 in History, and a 6 in math. I don’t know what his other grades were.
When he was 15, my uncle was 30. It took half an hour to explain to him why he would not always be half of my uncles age.
He genuinely, genuinely believed that the Ebola scare a couple years ago was the beginning of the zombie apocalypse.
35.
I worked with a man named Roy. Roy had theories about how to live life. Royconomics.
One day, he turned to me and the other member of the crew. “You boys wanna know how you get nice things?” he asked. “You go to the store, and you finance everything. New furniture, new appliances, televisions, stereos, everything. Then, you don’t make any payments, and you don’t show up for your court date. They’ll end up garnishing your wages, but they take way less than the payments would have been!”
Then, about a week later, “You boys wanna know how you buy a house? You apply for every credit card you can possibly get, you take out your entire balance in cash from all of them, and you use that for your downpayment. Then, you don’t make any payments, and you don’t show up for your court date…”
— Toorelad
36.
Back in my younger and crankier days I worked with as young woman who was hands down the dumbest person I’ve ever met.
Her highlights include
- Winning a basket auction that included a copy of The Beach Boy’s album Pet Sounds and complaing because she “didn’t want to hear a lot of mooing”
- On a day she was driving me up a wall I convinced her to wait to open her bottle of Coke because the bottle said there was a winner every five minutes. She was disappointed she didn’t win after waiting exactly five minutes. I however enjoyed her sulky silence for the rest of the day.
- The best/worst one involved her chatting with a manager who was African American (she’s white). They were discussing their shared slightly uncommon name and then realized their families both came from South Carolina. She thought for a few minuted and then excitedly exclaimed “I bet my family owned yours!”. She was so proud of herself for figuring out that historic connection. The manager didn’t say a word and just walked away.
37.
One night during high school, my friend and I got invited to a party. I didn’t drive back then so my friend picked me up. All went well on our way to the party. On the way back however, he got pulled over. As we were pulling to the side of the road, I told him that I was gonna pretend to be sleeping (since I was the passenger). Anyway, I hear the cop get out of his cop car, walk towards our car, stops at the window but doesn’t say anything. I can feel the brightness of his flashlight but I don’t hear him or my friend say anything. After about what seemed like an eternity, I decide to open my eyes to see what’s going on. That’s when I see my friend, the guy who is driving, is pretending like he is sleeping too.
38.
My ex husband. We were playing Rock Paper Scissor to decide who had to go change the baby-best two of three. Round one, I throw scissor and he throws rock. “I win!” He proclaimed. Round two, I throw paper and he throws rock. “I win!” He says again. “Umm, paper beats rock” I tell him. His response? “No, rock beats everything.” I spend like 5 minutes trying to wrap my mind around this. Finally I ask him “Then…what’s the point of even playing?”
In total sincerity he says “To have fun!”
39.
My brother’s (now ex) girlfriend. Super kind lady. When she found out I was a vegan she literally went through every kind of meat she knew of and asked if I could eat it. It was a little painful.
Cute story about the same girl; anytime we would go on a road trip and she saw cows she would always softly moo under her breath. Even if she was in mid conversation.
40.
I once had a property manager (person in charge of the rental I lived in since homeowners who lived out of state) who did a bunch of obnoxious things. My husband and I thought she was greedy and maybe getting money for herself and hiding it from the homeowners for repairs or something like that because of shady seeming things she would do when we had repairs.
Then we mentioned something about gardening.
She said “You know, I’ve always wanted to try growing tomatoes and just watering them with salt water. That way, the tomatoes would already be salted when you ate them!”
Huge reminder to never attribute to malice what is just pure old fashioned being dumb as a rock.
