All Your Favorite Celebrity Couples Are Breaking Up In 2017 And You Should Feel Personally Victimized
Yesterday, the news came out that the only good thing that ever came from the movie Jumper was officially over: Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson are splitting up.
Though the couple has remained relatively low-key over the years, they’ve been together for nearly a decade and have a two-year-old daughter together. I just have one question to ask the universe: Why???
In today's "wow, love is really dead" news: Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen have split after 9 years together.
— Taylor Banks (@MsTaylorBanks) September 19, 2017
I have arguably always been a cynic when it comes to love (but WHY did Ally agree to date Noah again? Why didn’t Jack at least try to save himself from the frozen waters of the Atlantic? Sally could have done better than Harry), but that didn’t mean that I didn’t secretly love when my favorite actors and actresses got together. When the couple of Slumdog Millionaire announced they were dating, my heart soared with joy. When Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield so obviously fell in love, I, too, fell in love with them. But 2017 has been the year to confirm what I have always known to be true: love is dead.
That’s right. There’s no point in trying anymore.
Earlier this year, Anna Faris and Chris Pratt announced their conscious uncoupling, which left the whole world shook. I’m not saying that their breakup ushered in the apocalypse, but I am saying that all those hurricanes and earthquakes definitely happened after they split up.
Few Hollywood couples that showed as much genuine affection for each other as Faris and Pratt did, which left people wondering what the hell kind of dark magic had interfered with the perfect union. They called each other “soulmates”, and it showed. So, like, what? The hell?? Happened???
But these aren’t the only big name couples that called it quits this year. Just last week Fergie and Josh Duhamel admitted that they’d split up in February after an eight-year union, probably because 2017 is the worst. And I know this isn’t about me, but it kind of feels like this is about me. Why do I feel so personally victimized?
Of course, there have been other couples that have broken up this year (Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom, I guess???), but none of them have the same impact as these Hollywood spouses that made us truly believe that love, in some capacity, exists.
Fergie and Josh Duhamel are separating. In other news, I have zero chance of ever finding lasting love.
— Taylor Banks (@MsTaylorBanks) September 14, 2017
Today it’s Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson, but who will be tomorrow??? I truly am not ready.
So yeah, thanks 2017. You’re the worst. 
