All The Men I Probably Won’t Have Sex With
The acquaintance who only likes me when I'm drunk. I, too, only like me when I'm drunk, but there is no amount of alcohol that will make me forget all the times you pretended you didn't know me when I saw you out in public. What, you can't even wave? Get your beer breath away…
The guy who drove by me in his giant pickup truck and yelled, “Nice ass!” out the window. Yeah, I probably won’t have sex with you. I hate pickup trucks.
The dude at the club who bought me a drink (even though I declined the invitation) and then got mad when I wouldn’t dance with him. Guess what, pal? You wouldn’t want to see me dance, anyway. Chances aren’t looking great for you.
The Tinder guy who messaged me saying, “Thick thighs save lives.” I’m glad you have so much faith in me, but my CPR certificate has expired, so these thighs won’t be doing anything. Maybe next time.
The man who made me late to an event because he was so busy staring at me through the car window that he (and therefore I) missed the green light. My friends were very mad at me, and now I’m mad at you.
The acquaintance who only likes me when I’m drunk. I, too, only like me when I’m drunk, but there is no amount of alcohol that will make me forget all the times you pretended you didn’t know me when I saw you out in public. What, you can’t even wave? Get your beer breath away from me.
The friend who gets a little too friendly when we’re left alone. Whatever happened to bro-ing out? Did you forget I just destroyed you in Super Smash Bros? Just five minutes ago you were making fun of me for being “forever alone” and now you’re trying to stick your hand down my pants. I’ll take a rain check.
The guy I just met at the party who’s obsessed with my hair. Seriously, why are you obsessed with my hair? Please stop running you fingers through it. You’re getting your hands stuck in the knots and if you keep this up I’m going to be bald by the end of the night. Who are you again?
The stranger who just got done hitting on my friend. I’m sorry my friend wasn’t interested in you. I know she’s very pretty (all my friends are, duh), so let’s not pretend you aren’t downgrading right now. Find a new friend group to terrorize. Bye.
The guy who catcalled me while I was walking in the city. Look, I’m flattered, you thought I was worth taking 5 seconds out of your day to scream something vulgar my way, but I just don’t have the 5 seconds to care about you. Sorry, busy schedule today.
I apologize in advance. Have a good day. 
