Caity Mae

You know who you are…

I’m here to set the record straight (seeing as NONE of us were born with the flawless hair and easy femininity of Disney Princesses). The Internet quizzes have been lying to you. Here’s what your favorite Disney Princess ACTUALLY says about you.

So stop with the name-calling, the outfit judging, the rumors, the pettiness, the exclusion, and the drama. We’re better than that, ladies.

I’m not jaded or bitter or cynical, but I am a mature, functioning member of the adult world.

If you don’t see yourself in the experiences of others, what is the significance of that experience? Why would we write and read and speak, if not to connect?

My mother does not approve of my lack of steady significant other and apparently Tinder dates are not a suitable means of finding a mate. So, I’m submitting my resume to the Internet. Come and get it, boys!

“I think it’s so sexy that you love Disney movies. It’s like you’re a little girl.”

Here are some little pearls of wisdom for all of you who have just taken the plunge into actual adulthood:

I have never stepped on a Lego and managed to keep my cool. Obscenities galore.

Each man needs something different from cheating — whatever it is that gives him confidence.

Boobies. Tits. Breasts. Bosoms. Jugs. Sweater Stretchers. Knockers. Amen.

We know we should call home more, but sugar-coating our messy lives is exhausting.

“If you ask me about my love life again, I’m going to be forced to explain what a f*#k buddy is.”

We don’t ask, “How are your parents?” We ask, “How’s your Mama and Daddy doing?”

“This box is going to fall on me, I’m going to die and my headstone will read, ‘Crushed by box full of shoes’.”

What girl doesn’t wish, every now and then, to have the bombastic sensuality of Marilyn or the timeless class of Audrey?

Just because my bras are bedazzled and my panties are small and lacy, does not mean that I am some dirty girl stereotype for you to harass and ogle.

Do you pretend to be into this to make boys like you?