10 Male Pickup Lines That Just Aren’t Going To Work

The dating world is an interesting place, fraught with average Joe’s trying desperately to stand out from the crowd and drop that one line that will also serve to make some panties drop. These are not those lines. These are the lines that the male population thinks are slick when, in reality, all the female population is sending screenshots to their bitch friends saying, “That’s the third message like that, tonight. Fuck this shit, I’m going to bed.”

Gentleman, as a lady, I implore you. Remove these from your pickup repertoire.

1. “If I ask you a question will you answer honestly?”

This is what guys say as a precursor to asking you about sex, particularly whatever specific sexual act he wants to engage in with you. I LOVE (heavy sarcasm here) whenever a guy texts you for the first time, hell sometimes he’ll even say it, in person, when you first meet, and opens with this, “Hey. Can I ask you something and you answer me honestly?” Of course we say yes because 1) We ladies never seem to learn, 2) This could be a chance for very interesting getting-to-know-you dialogue, and 3) Maybe, just maybe, he won’t do what he’s about to do. “Sure. Ask away”… “Cool. So do you do anal?” I mean… what in the actual fuck? I’m not sure where this trend came from.

Maybe guys are just too embarrassed to be straightforward and say, “Hey, I really want to fuck your ass. That cool with you?” so they pad it with a preliminary question. But still! This line serves no real purpose. AND it’s offensive. I mean, I swore an honest answer, you could have asked about my hopes and dreams! What I really wonder is, has this tactic ever been successful? Has any guy ever texted a girl he just met and it go like this:

Guy: “Hey, can I ask you a question and you answer me honestly?”
Girl: “Sure.”
Guy: “Do you do anal?”
Girl: “Not only do I do anal, but I am gonna come over and let you tear up my ass right now. BTW, nice to meet you last night!”

2. “Wanna come over and cuddle?”

Yeah. Sure. “Cuddle.” Cuddling is not something you plan ahead to do. Cuddling is what happens organically when you’re watching TV together. You’re not fooling anyone. Man up and invite me over for a little afternoon delight. Because inviting me over to “cuddle” does not make you seem sensitive, it makes you seem shady, and I’m not stupid enough to actually believe that you just want to cuddle. Besides, if you, gentlemen, just tell us that you want to have us over for sex, that eliminates the whole potential for confusion over expectations.

3. “So, do you have any roommates?”

Note: This applies to those situations when this question comes out of the blue. It’s one thing if we’re talking about our living situations or about moving into the area or what have you. But nine times out of ten, when a guy asks this question, randomly, it really means, “Do you live alone? Because I want to know if you will be able to have me over for sex often. Also, does this mean I can bend you over the kitchen table?”

4. “Did we meet the other night?”/”Are you the (insert your name here) that I met last Wednesday at the bar?”

Bitch, I’ve never met you before and you know that. Your pickup game is sad and you should be sad.

5. “So what brought you to Tinder?”

I know this seems like a reasonable icebreaker, but I still hate it. We all know why we’re on Tinder. But, I still like to pretend that romance exists. Indulge me and treat me like a lady before we do what we all came to Tinder to do. Please don’t make me say it…

6. “Wanna come over and watch a movie sometime?”

See above entry with respect to “cuddling”.

7. “I don’t know if you can handle it.”

Fuck whomever it was that decided this was the slick, subtle way to refer to sex. I’ve heard this one a number of different ways and they’re all fucking dumb. “I don’t think you could handle my dog. He’s a handful ;) ” (I had mentioned wanting to play with his Labrador puppy) “I’ve got a dark side. I don’t know if you can handle it.” (Okay, dude.) “My dick is pretty thick. Like coke can thick. I don’t know if you can handle it.” (… uhhh…). I know that y’all think that it’s all macho man and cocky-but-in-a-sexy-way to act like whatever you’ve got going on is, in some way, too much for us poor fainting females to handle but it’s ridiculous. Trust me, we can handle it.

8. “What are you doing right now?”

I’ll give you a hint: The answer is not masturbating. This is, quite possibly, the most ridiculous line in the book because we all know what guys want us to respond with. I’ll give you another hint: You’re not gonna magically transform whatever we’re doing into some sex fantasy, just because you’ve asked us what we’re doing.

The following scene is absolute fiction and will never ever happen. Take note.
Guy: “Hey” (he already has an erection)
Girl: “Hey” (she’s in sweats, binge watching “Bob’s Burgers”)
Guy: “What are you doing?”
Girl: “I’m so fucking wet for you, baby. TAKE ME NOW!” (Magically she is now decked from head to toe in Agent Provocateur and is writhing around in ecstasy, while sucking on a Popsicle)
Guy: “Cool. Send me a pic of your tits?”
Girl: “OOOH YES!”

See? That’s just not the world we live in.

9. “I’m not even gonna waste my time because I’m not good enough for you.”

This particular pickup trick is confusing to me. If you will please reference the attached example below:

I just… I can’t… What? This goes beyond being a bad pickup line. This is just poor marketing. “I’m perfect in every way, but I’m not worthy of you!” What the hell? What does that even mean? Do you have severe self-esteem issues? Are you trying some kind of reverse psychology to make me want to get into bed with you? Did you read something similar in a Nicholas Sparks novel and figured you’d give it a go? (Note: I’m not sure this line would even work coming from Ryan Gosling)

10. “Hey nice pics. You seem like a sweet and caring person.”

By looking at my carefully selected selfies and that one picture from vacation, you have determined that I must be a “sweet and caring person”. That is your plan to seduce me?