6 Annoying Things Roommates Do That Make You Want To Kill Them

Roommates are a very important part of the young adult experience. From the college dorm room, to moving in with your bestie to cut the cost of living, to the desperate Craigslist hunt that you hope doesn’t end with your body being dumped in a ditch, roommates are an important life checkpoint. Sometimes, having a roommate is wonderful; you’ve got someone to talk with, to hang out with, and who makes your shared apartment a home. Other times, your roommate makes you legitimately question whether or not you are capable of murder.

As someone who has experienced a great deal of the latter, I have gained some wisdom that I hope to pass down unto you today: For every roommate “dick move” there are consequences and, if you are a repeat offender in terms of roommate “dick moves”, those consequences will become increasingly creative and severe. I have compiled the definitive list of “roommate dick moves” and the retaliations that each offense has incurred (all gathered from my personal experiences and the experiences of others). Enjoy and be warned.

Dick Move #1: Being a slob

When you are sharing a space with someone else, PLEASE be respectful of that space. Try and keep the dirty dishes under control, shine up a surface every now and then, and please, for the love of all that’s sacred, do NOT wipe your nasty, greasy KFC fingers on the micro-suede couch your roommate bought for the apartment.

Consequences if you are this dick:

One day, your roommate is going to get sick of the mess you left in the sink and they are going to throw your pile of dirty dishes out the window. Provided they don’t beat your ass to death with a wooden spoon caked in three-day-old tomato sauce, first.

Dick Move #2: Radio silence

Communication is key. Now, you and your roommate are both capable adults. You don’t have to know each other’s every move at every moment of every day. But, if you’re having guests over, if you’re leaving for the weekend, etc. it’s always nice to drop a friendly check-in text or phone call. And if your roommate is the one checking in, respond in a respectful manner. Honesty really is the best policy. Do NOT ignore a check-in text and do not be the type of person who brings your work buddies back to the apartment unannounced.

Consequences if you are this dick:

Guess what? When your roommate feels that you don’t give a shit about them, they’re gonna stop giving a shit about you. Sooner or later, the courtesy check-in texts are gonna stop and you will come home to more three-ways, house guests, and “all night movie marathons” then you ever dreamed possible… and once that portal is opened, there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

Dick Move #3: Intentionally cock blocking

Just let me climb up onto my soapbox here: Adults have sex. Yes, it’s true. If you are an adult, living with another adult, chances are one or both of you is going to be having sex. Do NOT try and prevent your roommate from having a relationship (or relations) with someone in the privacy of his or her own room. Sex in the living room is a different story, which goes back to the communication issue. Example: My college roommate, freshman year, was a virgin, who had never had a boyfriend, who went home to her parents’ house every weekend. I had a beau that would come over those weekends that she wasn’t home and we did what young college men and women do. Second semester came along and she finds out that I’ve got a boyfriend and * gasp *, he and I have had sex in MY bed. My roommate, from that day forward, made damn sure never to be out of the room and to always have an excuse for why I could not invite my boyfriend over on the weekend… It didn’t end well for her.

Consequences if you are this dick:

If you are intentionally trying to throw yourself between your roommate and their lover, significant other, etc., you are throwing a Mentos into the Coke bottle that is your existence. A sexually frustrated and pissed off roommate is a dangerous thing. Not only will your roommate continue to have sex with their partner, leaving you with many a night spent with your noise cancelling headphones on; but also your roommate will probably take their frustration one step further in the form of masturbating with your vibrating facial cleansing system (just saying).

Dick Move #4: Not respecting your roomie’s things

If it isn’t yours, don’t mess with it. If you haven’t been expressly invited to partake of whatever it is, don’t assume you can have access to it. Don’t eat your roommate’s food. Don’t borrow their expensive organic face cream. Don’t wear their favorite heels on a night out. Don’t. Take. Their. Stuff.

Consequences if you are this dick:

It won’t take long for your roommate to notice that their Sun Chips are slowly disappearing or that their favorite Chanel nail polish seems to be running out faster than usual. Eventually, they’re gonna put two and two together and when that happens, they will empty all of your precious Sephora samples down the shower drain.

Dick Move #5: Being less than honest in the beginning

This applies especially to roommates who don’t know each other, but are looking to fill a room and split a rent. If you like to party hard and get high on the weekends, awesome, you do what you do. But… do not tell your future roommate that, “OMG, I love reading quietly in my room on weekends and I never smoke.” Because, guess what, your shy, studious roommate is going to believe you and won’t that be surprising when you turn out to be the exact opposite of what you made yourself out to be. If you “sit on a throne of lies” (to quote the great philosopher, Buddy the Elf), I can guarantee that things will end very, very, VERY badly for you.

Consequences if you are this dick:

Either your roommate will call the cops and bust you for possession or they’ll move out, in secret, one day while you’re at work and you’ll be saddled with a two bedroom that you can’t afford.

Dick Move #6: Not doing your share

I get it. No one ACTUALLY wants to vacuum or take out the trash, but you’re an adult. If you are incapable of doing basic chores, move back in with your mama and leave the apartment living to the professionals. If you and your roommate have established some kind of chore schedule, policies of taking turns, or the like, uphold your end of things. Don’t let the trashcan overflow, just so your roommate is forced to take it out, when it’s actually your turn. Don’t saddle your roommate with all the bills, if it’s your turn to buy dish soap, buy the damn dish soap. This goes beyond just being disrespectful; it’s straight-up laziness.

Consequences if you are this dick:

Sharing responsibilities in a roommate situation is an efficient, convenient way to get things done. Everyone is happier when they only have to do half the work. Shared responsibilities are also a privilege. Abuse that privilege and one day, that convenient bathroom trashcan that your roommate bought is going to disappear and you will have to start caring your tampons to the dumpster.

Now that I think about it, maybe we’re all just better off living alone.