Why I Bought Your Coffee Today

I was wearing last night’s clothes and still hadn’t brushed my teeth. I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten a full meal, surviving on snacks and being too busy. I was walking home in the morning when I decided to stop in. You looked at me surprised, “Thank you for your kindness young lady.” I walked out the door and didn’t bother to look back. You’re welcome, please don’t make it a thing.

You asked me why I bought your coffee and I know I didn’t answer. At the time, all I could do was smile at you. Sometimes, my words get stuck.

I want you to know I bought your coffee because you looked tired. I know I’m just barely 24 but I can understand what’s it like when the world gets the best of you. The night before, the bouncer said, “Happy belated birthday, you’re too young to look that tired.” The sleepless run the world and there are demons in the daylight. You look like you’re someone with experience and kindness needs to be offered to anyone you find. I know it was a coffee and not compassion, but you never know where someone is in their life.

I bought your coffee because I know what its like to feel frustrated. That morning when I woke up the sky was blue as I made my way home. I felt like I didn’t deserve it, the cool air and sky with the citizens going to work. I was told once if I wasn’t part of the solution, I was part of the problem. I want to spend my life being the solution, leaving room for human errors and emotional text messages. I want to be someone who helps build, not someone who destroys. The sky is blue for all of us trying to build it better.

I bought your coffee because I grew up in a world where “perceived risk” and “safety” were always in the same sentence as a color. I don’t know a world where children weren’t taken from their lawns or where cameras aren’t on every corner. Because you are from a different time, a foreign place where women could walk alone at night. Where kids could spend all day in the woods and ride their bikes through the summer. A time where not all friendships were meant to last forever. Now losing contact is a choice, where one simple “like” means we are still pretending we haven’t forgotten yet.

I bought your coffee because there are times when I wonder if the world has given up. Or rather, if we have given up on the world. Sometimes it feels like we care more about entertainment than lives being lost miles away. Because there are only so many leaks our fingers can plug. Because it’s days like this I need it, where I want the sun and to know I am more than a problem. Where I need to prove that as much as I want to, as tired as I am, I will not give up on the world. I bought your coffee for us, to know that we are both here, both tired, both willing to be more.

I bought your coffee because that morning I woke up next to my best friend in a place I have never been to before. I have lost my sense of home, but being next to someone who understands me is more than I could’ve ever asked for. Because I have no idea what I am doing.

I bought your coffee because, at the very least, I could try.