14 People Share Their Sex Toy Horror Stories That’ll Make You Laugh Your Ass Off
Some funny vibrator stories and other odd tales of sex toys.
1.
I let my roommate borrow my car and while he was gone me and my girlfriend went to my room to have sex. I thought it would be fun to put her in handcuffs. After we were done I remembered the key to the handcuffs was attached to my car keys. She sat on my bed handcuffed for a couple hours. We’re still together and plan on getting married
2.
I had a fleshlight in college. I bought into the hype and in my sex crazed fervor I bought one. I didn’t think about cleanup. So after washing it out I let it dry in my bathroom. My roommate was at class for another few hours, I’d grab it and put it away before he got home.
I didn’t remember.
My roommate walked into the bathroom to see my dissected fleshlight on the bathroom counter.
He never let me live it down.
About a month later he left his sharing on in itunes. I went through his music (with his permission) and found his audio porn. Stuff he would just listen to. We agreed to not mention either ones mistakes to anyone else.
— Xalwine
3.
it was summer time so my son was spending the majority of the time with his Mom. I always do an emergency clean the day that I need to pick him up and before a lady-friend comes over, so I got in the habit of leaving my fap enhancement device on the kitchen counter after cleaning.
Thing is, I don’t do an emergency clean when friends come over. Buddy comes over to hang out. For a good hour or two me and him are in and out of the kitchen grabbing beers, apparently not noticing this massive thing just sitting out on the kitchen counter. Finally, he goes to use the sink. He freezes, I freeze, we lock eyes for an awkward moment before he finally says “What the fuck is this?”
“You know what that is.”
I encouraged him to buy one and stowed it away. Now everyone in our group of friends knows I fuck latex. Whatever. If you’re a dude and you haven’t bought a sex toy to fuck you’re missing out.
4.
This is way more tame than anything else in this thread but one time I tried to masturbate with the handle of a hairbrush and forgot to clean it off. The next day, my roommate borrowed it and there was all this crusty stuff and she was like, “what’s this?” And I said, “oh, I guess it’s hair product!” Unfortunately, I don’t use any hair product and she knew it. So then she accused me of stealing her volumizing gel. Drama ensued.
Eventually I found a sample of hairspray that i told her I had been using so that stopped the accusations. And she did give me a great tip about cleaning hairbrushes and makeup brushes in baby shampoo so I’m going to mark it as a win because it’s been 8 years and even though the hairbrush handle was kind of a shitty substitute for a penis, and I didn’t keep in touch with the roommate…my hair and makeup brushes are in great shape.
5.
I got a new suction cup dildo and was testing it out (just randomly attaching it to things… not fucking it. I wouldn’t lie on the internet!) on different surfaces. I finally get to the bathroom and when I tried to take it back off the wall, the tile came with it! And then THE SURROUNDING TILES ALSO FELL AND SHATTERED. Apparently it was some old grout. Anyways, I had to tell my landlord. His version of the story is I was shaving and it all collapsed.
Silver lining is he remodeled the whole bathroom and for the remainder of my time in that house I had a really fancy master bathroom to myself.
6.
I’m not sure if this counts, because the mishap didn’t occur during sexy time, but it was still a mishap. When I was in the process of moving apartments, I couldn’t decide what box to put my vibrator in. I knew I couldn’t put it with underwear or toiletries, because my family was helping me move, and I knew my mom and aunt would think nothing of unpacking my underwear for me, and discovering the toy. I finally decided that I could put the vibrator in my Trivial Pursuit game, and then place it in box with other board games. That way, my family might take the games out of the box, but they’re certainly not going to open up the game itself. I was so proud of that idea.
The day I’m moving, my aunt carries one of my boxes into my new apartment, rubbing her knee. I asked what was wrong, and she said she’d tripped over a curb, fallen down, and dropped a box, causing the things inside to spill out. My eyes got huge and I asked her which box — and OF COURSE, it was the one containing games – and my vibrator. I was mortified.
7.
Live with parents, thought I locked door. Had on my prettiest satin baby doll lingerie with matching G-string around my knees while riding a large dildo that looked very realistic.
I’m also a dude and my mom just ran in my room to ask if she could borrow $20. I got the cover on me fast enough to hide the dildo in my ass but the straps of the lingerie and a hint of the lace on the chest was visible and my mom walked out of the room.
Honestly I didn’t mind giving her the money but she really killed my buzz and I’ll just go ahead and blame her for the Charlie horse I got as I got up from bed.
8.
My boyfriend and I were in bed watching a movie and I went to the kitchen to get us some ice cream. I pulled out some toppings and saw the Marshmallow Fluff. I added a large glob to a bowl and warmed it in the microwave.
I brought the bowl of Fluff back into the bedroom, and sat on the bed. When he wasn’t looking I smacked him the chest with a handful. He laughed and grabbed the bowl… and we wrestled around the bed and then the floor, smearing ourselves with warm Fluff.
I was on butt naked on the carpet with him on top of me when we realized that the Fluff had quickly hardened. He tried to pull up off of me, but his chest hairs were stuck to my boobs. OUCH. I couldn’t move because my butt was stuck to the carpet. OUCH.
We ended up with bright red welts, and Fluff stuck everywhere. Painfully funny. Pain. Pain. Pain.
9.
My ex and I once came upon a weird sex toy that was essentially 2 balls with a rope attached. The concept of it was to put one ball in the girl and then pull it out and its supposed to give a good sensation. So we thought, hell why not lets try it.
After doing it a few times I accidentally managed to get both of the balls stuck in her and spent the next 5 minutes trying to get them out with my fingers.
It was a weird experience
10.
I was a horny ass teenager (who wasn’t?) and I wanted to play with myself every chance I got. I experimented with all kinds of stuff like putting things up my ass and or attempting to self suck (eventually that worked). One day I was rummaging through the bathroom drawer and I found an odd syringe that had a roughly perfect size opening at the end of it for my junk. I had a genius idea.
I stuffed myself in to the tip of it and pulled the other end and discovered a make shift penis pump. I did this a few times and was feeling pretty good and hard. It felt great. I was getting eager to blow my load so I extracted my junk to beat off. This is when I discover that my penis was covered in a mega hickey. At the time I had no idea what it was. That hickey lasted for quite a number of days.
I was so fucking scared. I panicked and I had nobody to talk to about it. I was way to embarrassed to tell my folks. I washed the syringe and put it where I found it only to discover later on that it was in fact a breast pump. It was so awkward when I realized what that was really for and how I defiled it.
11.
Had a kinky girlfriend, this is long ago.
She had a drawer full of sex toys. She had a work term and a term off school, so gone effectively 8 months. The drawer stayed as it was when we left it.
She arrives back at school, we happen upon the sex drawer.
Batteries in one of the vibrators must have broke somehow, cause the acid leaked out.
It looks like a small pool of something weird and the bottom of the vibrator felt wet. We couldn’t really get the end off it. So we tossed it, washed our hands.
My guess is that the acid ate away at the bottom of the lube that was beside it. Cause she picked the bottle up, gave it a rinse under the sink, towelled it off. Then when she finally gave it a mighty squeeze during action time, the entire back blew off of the bottle and hit her in the face, and it was raining lube (not as glorious as it sounds).
More funny than anything I guess.
12.
Very good friend of mine bought one of those “pocket pussies” to use. He was home alone and somehow the suction of it, it got stuck on his dick. He was panicking and did not know what to do. In some bright idea of a moment, he called me and was screaming about the situation. I think because I lived around the corner from him and he said I was the only person close by that he could trust. I head over to his place, and walk into his house. He had a towel around his waist and when he took it off, I saw the pink silicone thing attached to his dick. Laughing ensued for about 5 minutes.
Now we had to think what to do. We tried ice, more lube, this suction was stuck. There was supposed to be a hole on the other end of the thing to prevent the vacuum from happening, but that hole was not there. I ended up getting a razor and ever so carefully slicing the “pocket pussy” off. This was over 10 years ago…I still bust his chops about it.
— mrsheikh
13.
My ex wanted to try the electro-pads so we got going, stick the pads on, and turn it on. All was goin well she was enjoying her self, the sex was great. But, I guess it was a little too stimulating because right when she came she peed all down my lap.
Thought we’d learned and would try it again, yep, more pee.
14.
I was with my GF and we lost a little vibrator inside her, and it was on. I was having trouble getting it out of her because it was making her cum hard, and she was writhing around.
She squirted in my face twice during all of this. Through sheer luck while trying to pull it out I turned it off instead. She stopped squirming and was able to catch her breath. I tried to go back in there but she was too sensitive, so we waited a few minutes before I tried again. Eventually I was able to pull it out.
— oshtep 
