26 Things I Don’t Care About At 26

I got a year older, and in typical Millennial fashion, it was a time of deep, meaningful reflection – written in the ever popular and highly polished fashion of the recently invented ‘listicle.’ Prepare yourself for incredible insight guys, this is going to be intense.

1. What my parents think of my life decisions. Don’t get me wrong, they give some kick-ass advice from time to time, and they sure as hell know more about taxes than I ever will (fuck you taxes) but seeing as how I no longer subscribe to the same religion (Mormonism)… there are some topics that I’ve given up on. I used to fear the wrath of their judgment, now it’s like – here mom, have some of this fancy chocolate I bought you for your birthday and let me have wine with my dinner. Thanks and I love you. 

2. How not skinny I am. I want to be healthy. I love being active and being able to keep up with my ‘skinny’ friends but I am just not designed to be waif-like and that’s totally cool with me. I like eating healthy because it makes me feel better, not because I prescribe to the ideal that I need to be a specific shape to be happy. Life is too short to hate myself over my jean size.

3. Pleasing everyone at the expense of myself. I recently pissed off a friend because I told her my fiancée and I didn’t want to move in with her because we were really looking forward to being on our own. Maybe she needed help with her rent, I get that, but come on dude, this is my life we’re talking about here. And living with other people has gotten really, really old. I want to walk around in my underwear and drink milk from the carton without people judging me for the first time in my life. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?

4. The latest diet trends. Can’t I just eat my fruits and veggies in peace guys? And no, I don’t care how great kale is supposed to be. It tastes like my gym socks smell.

5. Being embarrassed about the stuff I enjoy. I like comic books, watching anime and playing video games when I have the time. I really don’t care if these aren’t considered acceptable adult activities. It’s what I enjoy doing soooooo, screw it, right?

6. Being good at social media. I’m just not guys, I’m just really not.

7. Wearing pants.

8. Pretending like I don’t love wearing makeup. I’m not saying I’m good at it (I honestly feel like I have no clue what the hell I’m doing 96.5% of the time), but I still love putting it on.

9. Putting definitive labels on my belief structures. I think my thoughts can be more narrowly defined than by broad social movements that often do and say things I really don’t agree with.

10. Being offended by what other people have to say. Fuck it. I’m going to do what I want anyway, might as well stop feeling guilty about it.

11. Controlling everything.  I can’t do it anyway, so why stress myself out over it.

12. That I’m totally buying into the hugely overpriced corrupted practice that is the modern day wedding. I want to have a pretty wedding, I’ve made basically all the decorations myself, and I’m damn excited about it. I don’t care if that’s not cool anymore, it makes me happy.

13. Being uncomfortable for the sake of fashion. I like to dress up from time to time, but I also really love wearing dorky pop culture shirts. Maturity in the clothing department is totally over rated.

14. Attempting to stop my sick obsession with notebooks and pens. I give up, okay? I give up! Now give me ALL THE HIGHLIGHTERS.

15. How clean I am. I’ve never been a cleanly person (not speaking hygienically here people), I do my best, I get better, but cleaning is never going to be something I enjoy. Sorry.

16. Going to clubs. I’ve always kind of hated them but I really see no point in acting like I want to go anymore. Can’t we just go to a nice bar where they don’t play ‘Turn Down for What’ thirty times at deafening levels?

17. Going to the movies by myself. If I want to see a movie and no one wants to go with me, screw it, more popcorn for me. So what if I’ve seen Guardians of the Galaxy three times already.

18. Hopping on the latest parenting trends. You will never find a more sensitive or judgmental group of people than mothers. Heads up guys, you’re never doing it right no matter what you do. NEVER.

19. Censoring myself to avoid offending people. I don’t actively go out of my way to piss people off (most of the time) but if the internet has taught me anything, it’s taught me that someone will always be offended by something I have to say. Fuck it. Maybe they deserve to be offended. Either way, I really don’t care anymore.

20. Meeting some broad generalization for success. Gross. Why?

21. Being happy. Thinking that you can, or should be happy all the time is silly. I’m happier than I’ve been in many, many years, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have my bad moments. I find it ridiculous to pretend that life is any other way. And it’s also a giant waste of time.

22. That I might be too old for Harry Potter. Someone told me this the other day and I honestly couldn’t speak to them for the rest of the evening without wanting to cast an Unforgivable Curse on them. You’re never too old for exceptional storytelling, or a magic wand. 

23. That I don’t have a booming social life, mostly because I really don’t want one. I have a few close friends and that is more than enough. Besides, I’ve carefully selected them based on their willingness to sit on my couch and drink wine in their pajamas with me.

24. That I have a seriously ridiculous amount of useless knowledge concerning make-believe worlds jostling around in my head. Who was our twenty first president? No idea. Who was Sauron’s master prior to his eventual banishment? Morgoth, or Melkor, one of the Ainur (or Valar). You’re welcome.

25. That I’m supposed to be this fully developed completed human being by now. I fully intend to keep growing and changing until the day I die. Bring it on life, BRING IT ON.

26. That I’m getting older. Fuck it, I’m just along for the ride at this point anyway.