6 Sex Related Things That Only Work In Movies

First and foremost; Mom, Dad, if you’re reading this I would recommend that you stop doing so right now. I warned you, by the way, so it’s totally your own fault. Here, read this one.  As for the rest of you, I think we all pretty much understand that Hollywood embellishes and outright lies about a lot of things. Sex is no exception (it might even be the rule).

1. Up Against a Wall Sex

I guess I can see the appeal… but the down-sides seem to overwhelm the up-sides. Wouldn’t his arms get tired? And his legs? Wouldn’t her back start to hurt? Also, how great can it possibly feel with both parties focused on staying up right and their straining appendages (and no, not the good ones)? I should probably just assume that the people who pull off this maneuver are a lot more in shape than I am. Na, I’ll continue to live in my bitter, sarcastic bubble. Anyway. Whenever I watch a movie where two characters are wall-slamming their way through a house, I can’t help but cringe. I mean I’m all for some passion and excitement, but I’d like to avoid concisions and serious back bruising.  

2. Shower Sex

Don’t get me wrong, I love shower sex. It can be a good time, if you know what I mean. You know what I mean, don’t you internet? Yeah, I’m sure you do. My issue is how… perfect it always seems in the movies. It leaves no room for the awkward slipping, the adjustment of how much moisture is too much moisture, the possibility that your hips and your partners hips don’t quite line up, and the soap that inevitably gets in someone’s eye.  Not to mention near fainting experiences from lack of oxygen due to steamy showers where you both sort of just lean on each other afterward trying not to pass out or throw up. Sexy. 

3. Morning Sex

Again, something I can get behind (Bazinga?), but my problem lies with portrayal. Maybe there are some people in the world who have been blessed with minty, beautiful morning breath… but I am not one of these people. Dragon breath, anyone? And my partner sure isn’t either. So yeah, no wild making out for me in the morning until after teeth brushing, and coffee, because coffee is my life, or at least it has been since the Great Depression Known As a Real Job. Also, more sleep or sex-where-we-can’t-breathe-in-each-other’s-faces? Eh…..

4. Overly-aggressive first time sex

This could just be a me thing, but if this is the first time we’re having sex, lets feel things out here (pun definitely intended) before you bring out the whips and chains. I’m thinking, again, of those overly aggressive sex scenes in some movies. Hey, I like a little man-handling as much as the next gal, but maybe save some of that stuff for when we’re both a little more comfortable with each other. I’m not sure how this translates to The Land of One-Night Stands because I’ve never actually had one (no judgment here, ladies), but yeah, keep your ball gag to yourself unless previously discussed.

5. Awesome First Time Sex

Sorry guys, I have yet to actually meet a woman who had an orgasm the first time she had sex (hey you, in the comments section, you’re a dirty filthy liar!). Thanks for putting that sort of pressure on everyone, Hollywood (well, and I guess porn too). Virginity hurts guys, I mean it varies from person to person, but there was no amount of relaxation that is necessary for orgasm from where I (and many others) am standing. Shit is awkward; you have no idea what you are doing. Maybe things start to feel good, maybe you think ‘yeah, okay, I think I get what the hype might be all about,’ but come on. Mind blowing sex does not = loss of virginity. Stop the lies!

6. If You’re the Hero, You Get Sexy Time

Nice guys (and girls) everywhere lament the falsity of this rhetoric. We all like to imagine we are Batman or Ironman (never Aquaman though because, come on, who likes Aquaman?), but in realty we might be, at best, Robin. And at worst we’re one of the hundreds of innocent civilians Superman and Zod killed while smashing their way through Metropolis. The point being, just because you are awesome doesn’t always mean you’re going to have awesome sexy time with the woman/man of your dreams. I know, I think it’s bullshit too.