Brian Donovan

Look, I get it. The stars of a bantery WB show made primarily by, for, and about women is not the typical object of heterosexual male desire. It’s kinda like being in love with Oprah, or one of the Desperate Housewives.

There is no show on television with a premise as unbelievable juicy as this: the world is ending, you must fight the undead to survive. But the execution often feels drier than a PBS documentary.

there is no message so important that it can’t be mouthed out or written down. Even “Could you please get the pills out of my bag for me? I fear I am going to die.” Write it down, sick-o! And use a quiet pencil!

I guess I should be thanking you. Sure, your OkCupid photo is of you posing shirtless in the mirror, trying not to make it look like you’re flexing when it’s blatantly obvious to everyone in the world that you’re flexing, but it could be worse.

It was announced recently that an all female version of The Expendables is in the works, and instantly the casting rumors started. Angelina Jolie, Kate Beckinsale, Gina Carano from “Haywire” — all the names that you’d expect. And sure those women sound good, but aren’t they a little…conventional?

“Hey, this baggy bed sheet isn’t doing anything for my figure. Screw being a ghost! Why don’t I just put on a bikini top and a little skirt and say that I’m, I don’t know, a princess or something?! Or…wait. I know what I can do. I can say that I’m a cat. A cat with boobs!”

Some of us pretend to read the longest and most fascinating text message in the history of phones. Others power-drink Jack and Cokes until the bartender starts hiding all the bourbon. But not me. What I do, very simply, is scan the room for the people who look most willing to talk about their cats.

Of course, what we don’t realize is that there really is no right level of insane. 0% insane, that’s what we should be shooting for.

Taotao continued, “Then I saw it plain as day on the boy’s takeout bag. There was a picture of a black and white bear and the words… Panda Express. They were using us to sell that food. That terrible, terrible food.”

Have you ever even seen a #3 pencil? Neither have we. We’re not sure they exist. In fact, we don’t even really know what the numbers refer to.

There’s a lot of great things about internet dating. Like instead of awkwardly approaching a woman in a bar, doing it via email while sitting on the couch watching Family Feud.

I don’t know what it is about The Voice that makes it so irresistible. Certainly the built in tension of which judge will turn their chair for a singer gives it a suspenseful hook that no other singing show has.

There are two laws that every TV show must follow. Both have a million variations, adjustments, and gradations in how they are obeyed, but they are sacred and unavoidable. The rules, as they say, are undefeated.

Why would I even think that you’re asking how many people I’ve had romantic kisses with including THE ONES THAT I’M RELATED TO? That number’s definitely gonna be zero, right?

“What’s in my Bag”: A regular US Weekly segment where a celebrity catalogues the items that can be found in their purse. Minus the blow and the crumpled-up Macauley Culkin phone number, of course.

It took me three trailer viewings and an hour of Thunderstruck research to figure out if this movie was actually real — and even now, I’m not convinced.

We’re not gonna make it to March without that uncomfortable feeling you get from watching what you think is an exciting sexual encounter, but turns out to actually be super creepy incest.

A drink so sour that after you sip it, your face twists and contorts into the exact same expression I get when I turn on the legitimate news and am confronted with an update on the Kristen Stewart Robert Pattinson situation.