Brian Donovan

Look at these frozen foods. I don’t understand how they can all be so delicious and still cost like $2! It makes no sense!

Kimmel will do things other shows would never consider doing. His show is the most daring and creative late-night show on today, and if that’s not the definition of cool, I don’t know what is.

So, who else will join the bath pride movement?

Because drinking makes meeting someone easier.

Why is everyone here so attractive? Aren’t we supposed to be working out? My face looks like a watermelon that’s about to explode, and my t-shirt now holds more liquid than a Great Lake.

If you think Beyonce has ever mis-typed “your” or “you’re” in something she’s writing, your completely out of you’re mind.

“No matter what happens, the winner’s gonna thank me, right? Say it was fate, God’s will, blah blah blah.”

I have a very serious relationship with my TiVo. It’s not that I love it, it’s that I’m in love with it. To the point where I’ve poured it a stiff drink, brought it into my bedroom, and dialed up some Ray LaMontagne, just to see where things went.

You see, Lady Edith, I know this may be poor timing, but I can stay silent no longer. I have developed for you what is known in modern times as a TV Boner.

Every time a couple is happy on House Hunters, it’s because they have a stylish kitchen. You wanna argue with that, go ahead. But if my anecdotal watching of a home and garden TV show isn’t statistical evidence, I don’t know what is.

A good sketch show needs to have its own voice. A style of comedy that you can’t find anywhere else, and as obvious as that sounds, it’s not common.

“I love hiking too!” Applies to LA internet dates only.

I mean, there’s at least a 25% chance anyone you meet on OkCupid is going to be a psychopath to begin with.

So really, it’s not a film about mental illness, Silver Linings Playbook is a movie about people who want to get better. And who of us can not identify with that?

You and Evan at the beach! You and Evan at the movies! You and Evan taking ballroom dancing classes! (Which I also asked you to do when we were together, but whatever.)

He’s been walking like that ever since his owner went organic.

Why don’t we sing something we all know at 12 a.m. Like, say, “Can’t Touch This”? Or the theme song to the Golden Girls?

YOLO applies strictly to your candy cane intake.