Brian Donovan

A few weeks ago, my acupuncturist told me I had to stop drinking Diet Coke.

Five minutes in and I still haven’t seen Peggy or Joan. Why is there never enough Peggy and Joan?!

I’ll be honest, there are times I don’t even make it to the bedroom. Sometimes I get a few steps inside my front door, decide the terrible prison that is a pair of blue jeans has become unbearable, and drop ‘em right there in the living room.

Even now that gluten-intolerance is more mainstream, it’s still a tricky thing to date with. As are nut allergies, celiac disease, lactose intolerance, and the great granddaddy of them all: the soy allergy. You know what soy is in? Everything.

4. Wanna Trick a Bride Into Buying Something Stupid? Throw a Veil on Her Head.

This weekend, my cat died. It’s awful news. The kind of news you want to crawl up with for a week and beg to go away.

The paintings are quite, well, bad. Not Response to Hurricane Katrina bad, but bad nonetheless.

1. Do everything you can to convince your girlfriend not to let you cook dinner.

Parents like her. Kids like her. Hipsters, weirdos, Democrats, Republicans, even my cat can’t stop talking about Date Night, and I thought it was pretty mediocre.

The few times that I have been involved in a sexting, it was initiated by the lady.

Metaphysical Significance: Tough to compete with Jesus on this one. He was the son of God, he died for our sins.

Game nights are like hanging out at bar with your friends, except cheaper and more fun.

Hmmm. Hair’s a little greasy, but I can work with that. I’m a professional stocking cap.

In the afternoon, drink the one beer you find in the back of your fridge, then get a little naughty and go skinny dipping. In the SHOWER!

People often ask if having shrink parents has made me really well adjusted. I respond by telling them that I wrote a book about how ridiculous my love life is, I have no pictures in my phone that aren’t of cats, and that I’ve been seeing a shrink twice a week for years.

Michael Peterson’s job, his family, his marriage, the forensic evidence–all fascinating. Even the testimony from the scientific experts is thrilling. I mean, come on. Scientific experts are the worst!

My Cat is Already Infallible: My cat has never made a mistake. Seriously, not once.

I don’t know why it’s so funny, to see the fluffy little bunny that is Jerry Gergich dropped into boiling hot water every Thursday, but I can’t resist it.