Brian Donovan

I am not a model. Not even close. Well, I guess I’m a model for something. Like what happens when you spend your career sitting down, or the dangers of regular access to peanut butter and jelly.

Romney may already be a pot smoker. I know what you’re thinking – Mormons can’t drink Diet Coke, I’m pretty sure they’re not allowed low-level narcotics. Well… we have photographic evidence.

Pinterest is not Pinteresting. It’s not Pinjoyable or Pintillating, and honestly, I have no idea how it’s even Pinpassable as Pintertainment. It’s literally the least amount of information that can be put in front of you and still make you feel like you’re looking at something.

Say it with a gift! A gift so lame, so uninspired that your mate will have no choice but to recognize “wow, this person doesn’t give a crap about me.” They’re cheap, they’re effective, and they’re totally insulting. Give it a whirl!

I wouldn’t say I was ever particularly interested in how you met my mother in the first place. But if it was a quick, funny little story I guess it would be good to know. Maybe I could tell my kids one day, or get a crappy college essay out of it or something. But this is ridiculous.

There is a movie called AirBud, about a dog who can play basketball. Of course, I don’t need to tell you that, you’re probably already a fan. I mean, who could resist a tale about a young boy who adopts a homeless puppy, learns the dog is a wiz at human athletics, then teams up with the pup to win his high school’s basketball championship?

Tonight America will gather to heap praise on their greatest performers…and the people who sit in their seats. Every year the Oscars hires professional Seat Fillers to occupy celebrity’s spots whenever they leave the Kodak Theater. These are their stories…

Now try giving your lead character an interesting quirk. For instance, Tony Shalhoub’s character on Monk had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. That is Very Interesting. Perhaps your lead drinks too much, or enjoys raising birds, or enjoys raising birds that drink too much. This will Set Your Character Apart and make him More Real. Should you be unable to think of a quirk, make your lead Handicapped.

Your headphones are the finest the market has to offer, guy sitting on the train across from me. How do I know? Because I can hear every note of what you’re listening to, as if the earbuds where placed around my very own ears. And by the way, I love the new Chris Brown song too.

Alright, Big Brett’s settlin’ for a little TV. Gonna do some Murder She Wrote, then watch some of these Glees I got saved up on the ol’ DVR. Damn if those little gay kids can’t sing the shit out of some Journey, I’ll tell you what. Hold up! What?! Football?

You notice it the minute you walk into my apartment. Who am I kidding, you can smell it before you even get to the door. The neighborhood kids gossip about it, my friends have given up on seeing me, and my family has all but disowned me. It’s a problem I’ve kept hidden for months and have never quite been able to admit. But it’s become far too obvious to ignore, and it’s time to stop hiding. I am a hoarder, and what I hoard is episodes of the TV show Hoarders.

Somehow over the last five years, fantasy football has become ubiquitous. Girlfriends, old ladies, every man who knows how to turn a computer – they all play it. Hell, even my cat has a team – and it’s loaded. Why? Because it’s so darn “fun.”