What Goes Through My Mind Everytime I Get Frozen Yogurt
Here we are. Yogurt Land. Or is it Red Mango? Maybe…16 Handles? How about GitchiGitchiYogurtDaDa? I don’t know why they give these places different names, they’re all exactly the same. Might as well just call ‘em “Would I Get Arrested If Held My Head Under The Spout and Let the Yogurt Flow Into My Mouth Like a River?” because that’s all we’re thinking every time we’re there. But not now. Not today. Today I’m going to act with dignity! Just because yogurt places have such audacity and utter disregard for our health to give us control of the levers, that doesn’t mean I have to be a pig. I’m NOT a pig. I’m an animal, but not a pig. How about a cow? Hippo. NO! WAIT! A water buffalo. I am the majestic water buffalo of frozen yogurt! Proud, stately, patient and resolute in even the most frantic of circumstances–OH MY GOD THEY HAVE MINT CHOCOLATE! Get the heck out of the way people! I am a water buffalo and I will punch you with my hooves…
OK. Try to calm down. Plenty of froyo for everyone. Let’s go over the rules one more time. #1: We’re not spending over $5. Actually, $6. OK, not a penny over $6.75, and that is the absolute max. Probably. Plus toppings. Rule #2: No yogurt or add-ons will eclipse the mouth of the yogurt cup. For health and for decency. Thankfully, the cup is the size of a bathtub. Honestly, the Titanic couldn’t hold as much fresh strawberry soft-serve as this bad boy can. Rule #3: There will be no touching, tasting, or sniffing of dessert items once they are inside my bowl. These aren’t the lawless lands of the Whole Foods salad bar. It’s a mecca for frozen treats, and I will behave accordingly. Rule #4: If you tell yourself you’ll “share” with your girlfriend, all previous rules are null and void. And yes, giving her two bites and letting her drink the melty soup at the bottom counts as sharing. Well, I’ve been here 20 seconds. Time for a sample…
Come on, do I really have to ask for the free sample cup? It’s so degrading. Look, Yogurt Jockey, you know I want a free sample, I know I want a free sample, and we both know once I get my cup I’m going to abuse the privilege to a humiliating extent, so why go through the charade? Instead of “Could I have a sample cup,” how about we just be honest and ask “Is it cool if I steal small quantities of yogurt from you over and over, right before your eyes? Really, it is? Thanks!”…
Oh wow. Look at that guy! He’s a machine! Sample, lick, sample, lick, sample, lick – without the tiniest bit of shame. He’s like a froyo terminator. I don’t know whether to scoff or bow down and make him my God. He’s even tasting Kiwi Lime Tart! Nobody tastes Kiwi Lime Tart. It’s just there to make us feel like we’re in a healthy environment so we can take two pounds of Hazelnut goo without hating ourselv––Uh oh, the employees see him! They’re coming over!!! Scatter! Everybody scatter!!!…
Really, flavors? Cheesecake, Vanilla, Vanilla Cake, Tart, AND White Chocolate? You realize those all just taste like “white,” right? And how many variations on chocolate are necessary? Chocolate. Dark Chocolate. Dutch Chocolate. Chocolate Brownie. Chocolate Fudge with Sea Salt. What is Dutch Chocolate anyway? Chocolate that tastes like it’s been wearing clogs? No thanks…
Uh oh. Cup’s getting really full. It’s because the machine squirts too fast. Honestly, it really is! Right, guys? Aaaaand it looks like I have seven different flavors already. That’s what grownups do, right?…
Alright, time to hit topping town. Where we separate the men from the boys. Or in my case, the men from the boys who are about to get sick from eating too much yogurt. This is where the pay-by-weight really gets ya. If you’re an amateur, you load up on brownie bites, which taste like cardboard and weigh more than an airplane. Heavy fruit, whole nuts, Reese’s peanut butter cups – same problem. I like to toss a few raspberries on mine, because they’re lightweight, and they’re the one thing that allows me to retain the illusion that this is a nutritious dessert. Oh God, look at those people. Exploding Boba Balls on cookies ‘n cream? Sickening. Does anyone actually know what Boba is? It’s lightly sweetened nuclear waste, right?…
Come on, really? Peanut M&M’s?! Don’t you know they’re the heaviest candy on here?! Why don’t you just add tiny rocks to your pay-by-weight bowl? Or, I don’t know, maybe fill it with cement, you neanderthal. Although I think peanut M&Ms would set off my yogurt melange nicely. OK FINE! I’ll have a couple!…
As long as my cup costs less than Crazy Sample Guy, I can live with myself. I don’t mind being a glutton, as long as I’m not the biggest glutton in this line. Because the Yogurt Jockeys always act like they ring up $7 tubs everyday, but you know in the back of their mind they’re mocking you. OK, it’s tiny hot girl’s turn at the register. Really? $2.27?! What’s her cup filled with, six skittles and a splash of water? Tiny hot girls ruin everything. Here’s Crazy Sample Guy. Look at the thing. It looks like it’s gonna tip over. I’m surprised he didn’t find a way to jam a few baguettes and a country ham in there. Here comes the weigh in and….$9.95!!! We did it everybody! There’s no way we’re going over $9.95! I bet this is what it feels like to win the Super Bowl! I’m going to Disneyland, and I’m taking yogurt with me! But before I do, hit me with a few of those brownie bites! Daddy’s celebrating! Yippee!! 
