Sexting For Wusses: A How-To Guide

Everybody seems to think that guys initiate the sexting. That they’ll text a girl they barely know and ask to see her tits. Or start talking dirty, and say something terribly alluring like “tell me where you want me to put it.” Or perhaps they’ll just send several women the same picture of their undercarriage and starting sexting with anyone who responds. At least that’s what I’ve been told. Or seen in movies. Or read about online. Or overheard in young hip bars that I arrived at by accident or just to use the bathroom. I am not a sexting expert (or as it’s not more commonly known, a “Sextpert”), which you probably figured out right about the time I used the word “undercarriage,” but in my experience, this has been a total lie.

The few times that I have been involved in a sexting, it was initiated by the lady. She said “talk dirty to me,” or “I’m so hot for you right now,” or “let’s talk about our private parts” (I’m paraphrasing), and all of a sudden I turned into Mr. Bean with an erection. I started stumbling, fumbling, and making a general ass of myself. I was excited, but also felt unequipped to handle the situation. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex. It’s just the describing of sex on tiny handheld computers that leaves me a bit confused. I mean, what’s the objective exactly? Are we supposed to be masturbating? And then typing and masturbating and typing and masturbating? I guess I could do that. It just seems like a lot of multi-tasking. Like, why don’t you just watch some porn, and I’ll just watch some porn, then at a later date we’ll reconvene and do the things we saw in the porn. Isn’t that more efficient? And less likely to get something really disgusting on my telephone?

But everyone else seems to love sexting, so why can’t I pull it off? That’s when I remembered, “Oh, right. I’m a wuss!” Dirty talk in the bedroom I enjoy, but outside of the bedroom it makes me shakier than Woody Allen when the lobsters get loose in Annie Hall. I should be better at it, it’s objectively sexy and exciting, but I’m such a goon. So much so that when I told my girlfriend I was writing about sexting she laughed, and mockingly texted “Oh really. So then tell me what you’re going to do to me with your dick?” And I wrote back “Put it in your ear?”, then started laughing like a schoolboy that is so immature that even the other schoolboys are like, “Seriously, dude. Grow up.” And I’m no better when it comes to pictures. A woman sends me a naked picture of her chest and it’s the greatest day of my life, until I realize I’m expected to do the same in return. Then I’m flummoxed. I mean, I don’t want to make her sick. Because really, there’s no part of my body that is improved by not having clothes on it, groin included. Groin especially. Mostly I’m worried that she’ll freak out and call the Department of Health and Human Services, or, best case scenario, cry.

For a long while, I thought I was the only wuss out there. But after talking with friends, I realized there are a lot of men in my position. A woman initiates the sexting, trying to be all fun and risque, which the guy appreciates, but doesn’t totally know how to handle. I mean, do we say the super dirty things we’re thinking, or just the toned-down, more acceptably dirty things that aren’t quite as insane? Because if we go full throttle, you’ll probably call the cops. And sitting there typing it all out, makes us feel a little, well, weird. Because we’re wusses. Some of us, anyway.

So for the other gentlemen and ladies out there who feel a little goofy when the call for sexting comes, here’s a list of techniques I’ve developed to help the dirty talk go a little easier. All of them are better than threatening to put your dick in someone’s ear. I think.

1. When You Say Something Stupid, Just Blame Autocorrect. Most people blame autocorrect when they want to write something innocent, and autocorrect accidently changes it into something really dirty. When sexting, I do the opposite. I say whatever’s on my wussy, totally unsexy mind, then when the person cries foul, just blame my phone. “Wait, did you just say your cocoa’s really hot?” “NO. Are you kidding? Why would I say that? I said my COCK is really hot, because of sex and stuff. Stupid autocorrect! I’m totally not drinking cocoa right now. Or eating ginger snaps.”

2. Moan a lot. Typing out “Oooohhhhh yeahhhh” makes it feel like you’re playing along, when really you’re just plunking down the same letters over and over. “Mmmmmmm” works particularly well in this case.

3. Send funny pictures. Like I said, naked pictures and I don’t really get along. I’m not shy really, I just don’t want to ruin anyone’s eyesight. And let’s be honest, the female form is inherently more lovely and photogenic than the man’s. So when a lady asks you to send her something naughty, don’t reply, “Trust me, the last thing you want is a photograph of this disaster,” because that’s insecure and unfun. Send this, which is a much better time.

Then, when they say, “Come on! Seriously! Send me something sexy!” I hit ‘em with this one…

Sure they get annoyed. But I find it hilarious. And, well, at least one of us is having a good time. Like I said, I’m a huge wuss.

4. Call Them. Nothing put the stops on an awkwarding sexting faster than a phone call. They’re usually so baffled that they just let it go right to voicemail. “No. Typing only! No talking! You’re crossing too many boundaries.” But I think phone sex is genuinely fun, so when I want to put the brakes on the weird, and pump the gas on the awesome, I just hit “Call.” Try it sometime. Even a wuss can enjoy talking dirty on the phone. I think.