6 Functions Every DVR Should Have

I have a very serious relationship with my TiVo. It’s not that I love it, it’s that I’m in love with it. To the point where I’ve poured it a stiff drink, brought it into my bedroom, and dialed up some Ray LaMontagne, just to see where things went. (They went nowhere, you freak. It’s a friggin’ DVR!) But no relationship is perfect. These are some improvements I’d like to see my TiVo make, as soon as possible.

1. Liquor Pairings

You know what would go perfectly with that episode of Nashville? A mint julep. For American Horror Story, perhaps a little Absinthe. That’s suitably insane, right? If you’re watching Glee, maybe some Ipecac, because really, that’s what you deserve. But why must I think of these things all by myself, eh, TiVo? Why can’t I turn on my DVR and see a window pop up, saying “You know what would pair wonderfully with this episode of Lost? Four Loko.” And an explanation. “Drink it fast enough and the finale might actually make sense!” The only show that shouldn’t have an accompanying beverage? 30 Rock. Because there’s only 2 episodes left, so enjoy them sober, you animal.

2. Craziest Thing Currently on TV:

When you’ve recorded a show you don’t even particularly like, then watch it out of a bizarre sense of obligation to an entity that doesn’t even know you exist, DVRs should step in. “Craziest Thing Currently on TV: Doomsday Preppers. It’s about lunatics who think the world is ending, so they stockpile seeds and clothes and stakes to kill vampires with. Seriously! This is a show! And it’s on now! Watch it instead of this 2 month-old X Factor, ya dummy!” Send me a text, email, sound the siren, whatever, DVR. Just get it done.

3. Animal Dressed Like a Human Alert

I want to know anytime there is a pet or wild animal dressed as a person on television. I don’t care if I’m in the middle of an all new Bunheads, I want a pop-up picture of the animal and the ability to jump to that program immediately. If it’s a monkey carrying a briefcase, just take me there automatically. Believe me, I want in.

4.Ridiculous Stuff Your Friend is Watching:

Wouldn’t it be great to link your TiVo with all your other friends’ TiVos, then find out what insane nonsense they’re watching at any moment of the day? “Ed is currently watching Say Yes To The Dress. In fact, he has been on TLC for four hours straight.” I’d so much rather have that than a summary of the stupid show I’m already in the middle of. Also great for catching people who claim to have spent all last night watching snooty documentaries on IFC. “That’s funny, because TiVo said you burned through Season 2 of Designing Women. Then it sent me pictures of you masterbating.” (Just kidding. TiVos can’t take pictures of you masterbating. Wait, can they?! Oh GOD!)

5. Old 90210 Cast Member Alert

If Ian Ziering is on TV at any time, I need to know. Also Joe E. Tata. Especially Joe E. Tata.

6. What You Could Be Doing, Good & Bad

There comes a moment in every TV binge session where you begin to wonder whether you’ve made some bad decisions in your life. “It’s 5pm, and I haven’t been wearing pants since breakfast! Wait. Oh no. That was breakfast yesterday! What have I become?!” A seasoned TV veteran like myself has learned that those pangs of humanity can easily be chased off by a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles, or, say, two bowls of Cocoa Pebbles, but your DVR could help out. Every remote should have a GOOD and BAD button. If you want motivation to leave the house and be social, hit GOOD, and a picture of you partying with your friends and meeting the woman of your dreams appears. You’ll be out the door in minutes. Hit BAD, and you see a photo of you bored at a bar, sitting next to only your tedious friend Tanya, who’s telling you about the crazy dream she had last night. One look at that, and you’ll feel just fine about firing up another episode of Battlestar Galactica.

Your turn. What more can your TiVo do for you?