Students’ Guide To Taking A Standardized Test

Kids are back in school, which means soon enough the standardized testing will begin. Whether you’re prepping for the SATs, LSATs or an everyday aptitude test, this list will help you be prepared for all the do’s and don’ts of modern testing.

1. Wear sweatpants. Did you know that human brains actually work better when cased in soft, forgivable fabric? It’s true. That’s why on the big day you’ll see so many test takers in sweatsuits. Because who can think when they’re forced to endure the prison of discomfort that is the traditional pant? No one. The answer… is no one. Standardized testing is a grueling process and is only made more difficult by the endlessly distracting and constricting presence of zippers, belt loops, and that little pocket to keep your change in. One need look no further than our Founding Fathers to see the importance of baggy trousers. Draft after draft of our US Constitution was abandoned before Benjamin Franklin realized that the problem was not in their words, but in their pantaloons. At Franklin’s insistence, the men adjourned to their homes to change into robes and petticoats, and upon their return, ratified the document in under 20 minutes. On test day you will see others around you who have taken this to point of arriving in their pajamas. They are taking things too far. There is a
thing called the Social Contract which you will learn about in college. All you need to know now is WEAR SWEATPANTS.

2. Practice filling in the bubbles. At the beginning of the standardized test, there will be a portion where you practice filling in the answer bubbles. You will be given a few rows on your answer sheet to begin your practice. We will tell you those rows will not be scored, that they’re just there to get the hang of filling the bubbles in, but we’re lying. The entire test is just the practice rows. If you can’t fill in the bubbles you get a zero. If you can, we throw the rest of the test out. It might seem like a lot of work, but we’ve got to weed out the morons somehow. Are we lying? You’ll never know!

3. Use only a #2 pencil. This one is very important, which is why the proctor will remind you countless times to ONLY USE A #2 PENCIL. Have you ever even seen a #3 pencil? Neither have we. We’re not sure they exist. In fact, we don’t even really know what the numbers refer to. How dark the pencil is? How many sexual partners it’s had? But if you bring a #3 with you on test taking day, you will be shunned like a leper. There is a college that once accepted a boy who filled out a standardized test form with a #4 pencil, and you know what school that was? Trick question. No school accepted him. He was homeless for a while and then died. Use A #2 PENCIL.

4. Bring 500 pencils: What if your pencil breaks? And then the other 200 pencils you brought break too? And then, after those are broken, a legion of vampires attack the school and you have to kill all of them with the only wood you have handy — pencils. And then, after those 150 vampires are dead, you return to taking the test and break the additional 148 pencils you were keeping in reserve? Then you’ll be happy you brought that 500th pencil.

5. Surround yourself with random lucky charms. Sometimes the difference between a right and wrong answer is the presence of a ratty stuffed animal you’ve had since you were 5. Or one of those troll things with crazy hair. Or the severed foot of a dead animal that someone dyed bright pink. When in doubt, bring every lucky charm you can think of. Sure you will invade your neighbor’s personal space, but this is a small price to pay for a top score. Stuffed animals WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE.