16 Soccer Terms, And What They Would Mean If They Were Gay Slang

Soccer is gay. I’m not saying this because I think it’s stupid or un-American or really classy like other foreign, high society things. I’m saying this because every term sounds like it belongs in some dude’s Grindr profile.

1. Assist: When you take a break in the middle for fluffing.

2. Ball in Play: It’s okay to touch balls.

3. Ball Out of Play: It’s really not okay to touch balls.

4. Bicycle Kick: When you’re riding and accidentally kick your partner in the face.

5. Dead Ball: When you sleep with Lance Armstrong.

6. 50/50 Ball: It’s only okay to do mouth stuff with balls.

7. Goal: When you both cum at the same time.

8. Goal Keeper: The straight best friend of the guy you’re trying to pick up.

9. Kicker: A bottom who likes to get ridden like a horse until he starts bucking all over the place.

10. Linesman: A guy who likes to snort coke off of another guy.

11. National Team: Sleeping with at least 11 members of a subset of the gay community at the same time. EG 11 bears or 11 twinks.

12. Penalty: A diagnosed STD.

13. Punt: A man of small stature who tops.

14. Referee: The guy you invite to have a threesome, but he’s forced to hold the camera the entire time.

15. Shutout: Doing it without lube. 

16. Box: A place only known to those who adventured before coming out.