Dear Michele Bachmann, On Behalf Of The Gay Bullies, I’m Sorry

Dear Michele Bachmann,

I am so, so sorry that the gays have been bullying you and every single American ever.

Much like our privates, we just don’t know where to stick our noses. You’re totally right. Arizona’s bill to allow businesses and individuals to deny services to people if they feel it infringes their religious freedom has nothing to do with the gays. The fact that this was brought up because a New Mexico photographer was sued for denying to photograph a same-sex wedding is completely irrelevant. We shouldn’t have gotten our stylish underwear in a bunch over it.

It’s time that straight Americans come out of the closet. Closets are for scary monsters and gays, which are pretty much the same thing. Your people have been bullied too long.

How dare gay students bully straight students to the point of suicide? Straight kids face relentless torment from their gay classmates every day. Gays write mean things about straights in their burn books, cyber bully innocent straight kids, and even try to form LGBT gangs. It’s time to let our straight female students be the prom queens they were meant to be in their JCPenny dresses. Enough is enough. Straight students need to be loud and proud.

Gays have even bullied their way into stealing the land of straight people. Of course renters shouldn’t be forced to let gays live in their buildings. The cornerstone of a home is built on the backbone of a working man and the childbearing hips of his housewife, not a gay person’s limp wrist.

The only reason they can afford housing is due to the gays bullying lawmakers to force God-fearing employers to hire them based on their experience and talents. Gross. We have all the florists, party planners, and dance troupes we need.

Don’t even get me started on this whole gay marriage debacle. Marriage has been and will always be between one man and one woman. There is no more perfect union, including our beloved United States. It’s bad enough that gays have bullied their weddings into God’s house. Now he has to worry about them judging His interior designs and fine china.

I can’t believe the gays are demanding special rights. What makes these rights so special is that they’re guaranteed for straight people only. If we start letting the gays do it, there’s nothing special about these rights. They’ll just be basic, boring, human rights.

What about our children? Everyone knows that gay marriage will destroy them. It’s bad enough our kids think the opposite sex has cooties. Seeing two men together will just put the final nail on their beautifully manicured jazz hands.

And it’s just plain awful whenever straights can’t get a bottomless brunch reservation because the power bottoms bullied their way into the restaurant.

I’m so sorry on behalf of us gays. We’ll learn our place soon, like behind the cash register at Nordstrom or on our knees praying our gay away.

Bully for you, Michele Bachmann.

Brett

P.S. Your next vodka cranberry is on me.