24 Things I’ve Learned After Moving To Washington, DC

1. Snow > the federal government.

2. Coming from Boston, this place and its people are pretty damn friendly.

3. Coming from anywhere else, they’re rude as hell.

4. The Washington Monument looks better covered in scaffolding.

5. You’re never the smartest person in the room (and you don’t want to be).

6. People will ask you what you do for a living before asking how you’re doing.

7. If it weren’t for happy hour, I couldn’t afford to live here.

8. Seriously, BOGO for alcohol is the best.

9. Competitive karaoke is a thing, and it’s awesome.

10. Donald Rumsfeld uses the self-checkout at CVS. He goes to the one by my office.

10b. (That is considered name-dropping in DC.)

11. Work hard, brunch harder.

12. Some French asshole put rotaries or traffic circles or whatever the hell they’re called all over the place. Worst. Idea. Ever.

13. Nonprofits are a business. Their product hopefully helps others, but it’s not a bunch of absentminded idealists in a room talking out of their ass.

14. It’s the gayest city in America. No, really.

15. Chinatown should just be called China Street or China Alley. Putting Chinese lettering on a Walgreens and a Chipotle doesn’t make a Chinatown.

16. There’s a weird rivalry between the people of New York City and DC. It’s stronger than the Yankees and the Red Sox.

17. House of Cards is filmed mostly in Baltimore.

18. The metro looks nothing like it does in Scandal.

19. The humidity in the summer can make it feel like the devil is Frenching you everywhere.

20. In addition to the Smithsonian and all of the historical landmarks, there’s a wax museum that has a bunch of presidents and celebrities you can grope.

21. Heavyset tourists will take Segway tours around the monuments. God bless America.

22. Bikers will ignore bike lanes and traffic laws. They’re like honey badgers on two wheels just not giving any fucks.

23. If you’re using the escalators in the metro, walk on the left side and stand on the right. I’m looking at you, interns and conference-goers.

24. Washington, DC isn’t broken. Congress is. There are half a million people in this town who work very hard for nonprofits, private businesses, and government agencies. They support their families and great causes. They’re not broken. The people you elect and send here are.