Brandon Scott Gorrell

Perhaps the seminal depression food, Letting Go and eating a Cinnabon is perhaps one of the most saturated-fat- and chemically-induced consolations you can achieve after your self-loathing has reached incalculable highs…

In a startlingly original take on cheating, former Ohio State University student Jonathan M. Birkmeyer pled guilty on Monday to maliciously conveying false information when he faked a bomb threat to avoid taking an exam he had one day in November of last year.

Obviously, what we have here is a dress fashioned to look like a two to three foot-long vagina, and I guess… it’s feminist, at least according to urlybits, although I wouldn’t be able to explain exactly how. I’m not sure where this originally came from but, oh yeah – I was leaving anyway. I’m suddenly overcome with the need to stop looking at the internet. See you guys tomorrow.

I can hardly even go outside with a hangover anymore without feeling like if I don’t take off my clothes and get into sweats, lie down, cover myself with blankets and start watching a sci-fi/ fantasy epic from the mid ‘80s, I’ll start projectile vomiting on the next person who passes me on the sidewalk.

On June 9th, a desperate former Coca-Cola employee named James Richard Verone robbed a bank in Gastonia, North Carolina for $1 because he wanted free meals and health care.

The translation, of course, is “You’re fired because you’re incompetent,” but what “Not a good fit” manages to do here is transform the feeling into something that’s much less personal. You may argue that this is good, but I would argue that it’s bad; I’d rather receive the information in a comprehensible way that doesn’t end up making him feel empty and confused afterward.

Here featured are characters from Woody Allen films, which are actually just, you know, Woody Allen, edited into screenplay dialogue. With it’s categories (“Stammering,” “Intellectual Profession,” “Highbrow Reference,” “Bon Mot,” etc.) FILMDRUNK – the website that ran the retrospective – is spot on. Good job dudes.

Well, the book was released this week, and what a better way to welcome it to the public with a hilarious reading of it by none other than Samuel L. Jackson! Yesterday I heard that legendary director Werner Herzog was going to do the audio for it – which would have been equally delightful – but I guess Sam Jackson got to it first! Please enjoy, and perhaps play for your own children.

If you want to make a quiet person feel bad, tell her to smile more, as there’s nothing like being passively shamed into not meeting the American culture’s daily smile quota. The American nation is indeed one of fake laughs, put-on smiles and objectively erratic behavior to fill silences that have somehow come to mean awkwardness.

By introducing a quiet person to a group as a “quiet person,” the quiet person is instantly a) categorized without having input, perhaps ruining any chance of making their own first impression and b) denied the option of being seen as a normal social individual, in the case that today is one of the days that the quiet person is going to try to enhance his conversational output to “normal.”

I can’t believe this, but according to NY Daily News, Charlie Sheen is apparently in negotiations to star in another television sitcom, which could start as early as January. Sources say the show will air on broadcast television, but that Chuck Lorre – producer of Two and a Half Men – will not be involved.

After achieving the rank of the #1 dirtiest city in the country last year, New York City appears to have cleaned up slightly – it’s now only the 5th filthy city in the US. The Big Apple now ranks behind New Orleans, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, and Memphis.