Brandon Scott Gorrell

Last week I posted a video of a woman who has been unable to close her eyes for six years, and this week, fate has taken it upon itself to offer the synchronistic gem that is this video: an unfortunate girl who yawned a little too widely and was subsequently unable to get her mouth shut afterward. Video inside.

In this confusing yet astounding video, one gamer beats all four Super Mario Brothers games at the same time. Not sure if this beats the dude that achieved a 999-hit combo in Marvel vs. Capcom, though. Video inside.

When you were mid-20s, you realized the extent to which ideals and theories could take you, so as you approach 30, understand reality’s limits to be unfortunate. You can not experience maximum pleasure without opening yourself up to maximum pain; ‘dreams’ are theoretical and therefore impossible to realize fully; your ‘dream girl’ cannot exist, and that is why she is your ‘dream girl’…

“I wanted to live in Manhattan but I didn’t want [it] to take all my money. I found this place through a friend and it’s a great location. [It’s] a great deal… It’s worth it,” says Felice Cohen, the tenant of this 90-square-foot apartment in Manhattan. Cohen’s a professional organizer, which has helped her not run into furniture whenever she’s… inside the apartment, although the first night she slept in the apartment, she reported having a panic attack. Video inside.

Woo. When the Mortal Kombat series originally introduced combos as part of the gaming experience, it represented one of the best and most influential additions to fighting games in the history of… fighting games (sorry, nerds – wasn’t it Mortal Kombat that first introduced combos?). Anyways, in this video we see a gamer taking combos to a whole new level: with former Street Fighter Chun-Li, dude pulls off a 999-hit combo. Impressive.

I have personally known people that have gone the kind of crazy that Sheen is going. This isn’t special – many people have known those that have gone the Sheen kind of crazy. But we don’t treat them the way in which we’re treating Sheen. We don’t treat that homeless guy with ridicule, scorn and ultimately what results in an extreme amount of attention and, yes, fandom.

God Julian Assange is weird. Apparently the dude was recently spotted in a Reykjavik club owning the dancefloor solo like a boss. Perhaps this footage of the Wikileaks founder will clear his name regarding all those sexy rumors going around about him, as there seem to be no ladies even remotely interested in his awesome moves in this clip.

In 2005, Marilyn Leisz underwent minor surgery to correct a “congenital defect in her eyes” and touch up some scarring that was the result of a previous surgery. “The original reason was to improve my vision,” Leisz told the Today show. Quite unfortunately, she came out of the surgery unable to close her eyes. “I feel like my whole life has been stolen from me,” she said.

An unnamed 34-year-old former top rugby player has allegedly been arrested for murdering three men in Durban, South Africa… with an axe. According to one of the two survivors, the rampage was revenge for the rape and subsequent HIV infection of the rugby player’s daughter. “You infected my daughter with HIV,” the former rugby player is reported to have said before becoming violent.

Why do so many straight guys think it’s funny to hit on gay guys? I can’t tell you the number of times that a straight guy has grabbed my ass, package, or groped me, trying to be flirty. Being a gay guy, of course, I’ve read too much into this and mistaken it for actual flirting, only to be horribly embarrassed when they say, “Oh no, bro, I’m just messing with ya.” Well STOP messing with me!

Google has selected Kansas City to be the site of their experiment in ultra fast internet – Google Fiber – which will apparently be up to 100 times faster than average American internet speeds. Reaching speeds of one gigabit per second, Kansas City residents will soon be able to download full-length HD porno films in about five minutes

My friend’s been RTing Violent J’s tweets lately, and they’re actually pretty damn funny. Of course, Violent J isn’t trying to be funny. At least – he’s not trying to be ironic funny. Like “look at this fucking Violent J” funny. Because Violent J certainly isn’t trying to be that kind of funny… they’re more like endearing, somewhat offensive, and ultimately, brutishly innocent.

The seed grows into an unfortunate new reality that we must regularly take into consideration. It develops factual intricacies that further define its terror: there can be no satisfactory time limit to commitment, commitment until things get rough is not commitment, certain parts of the world are now off-limits, compromise has replaced idealism, boredom is contextually normal, no more sex with ANYONE ELSE.

Ushering in a new era of self-denial and douchebaggery, a new web startup called Cloud Girlfriend promises its users a fake, virtual girlfriend who will ‘accompany’ them on Facebook, maybe Twitter, maybe… YouTube?

Radiohead has recently announced that they plan to release a free hurt-and-emo-rambling zine newspaper called The Universal Sigh on the 28th of this month at special locations worldwide. On the 29th, it’ll be available in the States.

Chalk up a point for atheism – the LA Times has reported that “young adults who regularly attend religious activities may be more prone to obesity by middle age than their nonreligious peers.”

Furthermore, as a general rule, thou shalt not rely too heavily on logic when addressing any and all emotional issues; emotional issues, by their nature, are not logical. Instead, it is most expedient to meet emotional issues with emotion of thy own – positive emotion, preferably – and if thou feels no emotion at all, well then, thou may be in for a long discussion.

A group of students and professors at Imperial College London – “Wikipedians,” they call themselves – has come together in an effort to legitimize the content on Wikipedia and eventually promote it as a valid academic resource.