Brandon Scott Gorrell

When compared to life outside the party, the amount of jokes thrown into conversation at parties seems to be disproportionately large. I have noticed – in myself and, basically, everyone – that the behavior that immediately follows a jokey statement in the middle of a conversation is reliable and consistent across demographics.

A recent study by the Detroit Regional Workforce Fund revealed that 47% of adult residents in Detroit are ‘functionally illiterate,’ indicating that they’re unable to complete basic tasks such as ordering from a restaurant menu, reading a bus schedule, or comprehending their bills. This is especially surprising as almost the entire sample had completed elementary school, where reading is taught.

California mom Kerry Campbell has been giving her 8-year-old daughter, Britney, Botox injections in her cheeks to reduce the wrinkles that Britney believes are there. The child most likely picked up her severe body image issues from a childhood of competing in beauty pageants in which, her mother reports, Botox injections for kids in the first grade are the norm.

“Oh gosh, I don’t know how I would function,” said Becky, a 52-year-old from Oshkosh, Wis., who’s been taking generic Adderall XR. “It helps me get up in the morning and get going. If I didn’t have it, I probably wouldn’t get up out of bed. I’d be so confused and my mind would be racing.”

Fresh new unemployment numbers and an extremely crappy economy are causing all the new college grads to move back in with mom and dad. Time reported on Tuesday that according to a poll conducted by consulting firm Twentysomething Inc., some 85% of new college grads are going back home not long after their cap and gown ceremony.

Do I have a career right now? Will I refer to this time as part of my career later? When am I going to have a career? Is this a career? Is this life, or is life going to happen later? Is everyone still getting married and settling down? Is that something everyone’s eventually going to do? Or did everyone stop doing that? Like, you know how everyone’s parents got married and then got divorced? Is that our destiny?

Comprised mostly of minimal instrumental tracks by music ventures from The Cure to Squarepusher, the feeling of the album is that of subtle sadness, hope, and overarching, nostalgic beauty. The mood set by this part of the soundtrack is so heavy and light at the same time that you could easily spend an entire day listening to it on repeat, looking out the window at the sun shining down.

CLEVELAND, TX. – Last Friday afternoon, a Cleveland man was airlifted to a Houston hospital after reportedly getting in a fight with a cat. The wounds he sustained were serious enough that he required specialized attention that wasn’t offered at the Cleveland Regional Medical Center, where he was first driven via ambulance.

Last week I wrote about why I wouldn’t want to live in NYC, and if I had seen this video, I may have included “crazy naked subway racists on PCP and cops who don’t do shit while they attack random passersby.” I’m assuming the policeman held off on doing anything until after the enraged guy attacked two or three people because he… didn’t have back up?

Last month, tourists at a St. Martin beach got a pretty good lesson on standing behind a commercial airliner that’s just about to take off. Watch as the group of beachgoers attempts to watch and subsequently is forced to flee the scene. Video inside.

Indeed, the two people in the Relationship for Show find each other almost by some self-organizing principal of reality, nature, society or culture; friends of the two are likely to affirm upon hearing of their newfound relationship, “oh, that makes sense,” or “heh, not surprised at all.”

It’s Mother’s Day, and so it is the day to repay your mother for all of those good-natured infinitely forwarded inspirational emails she’s sent you over the years. And – lucky for us! – there’s a website that makes it fast, convenient, and fun! It’s called momspam.net.

In this video, Chef Dave Arnold gives us a small scale look at what the future of mass produced frozen burgers might look like. That’s right! Although this process appears time consuming, one can easily imagine it on a much grander scale, frozen and packaged (with the ketchup included!) and waiting for the next miserable bachelor with the munchies to pick it out of the cooler at the closest 7-11.

DALLAS, TX.–This Monday morning, a man identified as one Michael Cook broke into an East Dallas apartment unit to devour a whole, raw chicken that was thawing in the kitchen sink. The apartment was home to Jennifer Espinoza, who had set the frozen chicken out to thaw before leaving the apartment to take her daughter to school.

Dominic Boudreault shot this amazing time-lapse footage of North American cities and landscapes over the course of a year. Locations featured in the video include Montreal, Quebec city, Toronto, Manhattan, and Chicago. Boudreault’s goal with the time-lapse was to “show the duality between city and nature.” Pretty sweet!

This is Elliott and Bowie, and you’d have to be Osama bin Laden to not find the pair’s first kiss adorable as a neon kitty riding on the back of a baby dolphin (sounds like a Lisa Frank folder, amirite?). “All you need is love,” is printed on Elliott’s t-shirt, and by the look on his face while he celebrates his triumph, the maxim might actually be true, for once.

What’s it like for a straight dude who has a gay friend that’s in love with him? As a gay man in Texas (not a ton of homos down here), I’ve fallen in love with two straight guys. It was embarrassing, awkward and just downright weird for me. I couldn’t help myself around him. I flirted unconsciously, touched his arms and chest way more than I should have and wanted to be around him even when I was the third wheel.

Indeed, events such as these are simply happenstance, and for this, the Stressed Out Girlfriend induces a sort of torture on her partner in which her partner must either become upset with her for becoming upset with reality (this is not advised), or humor her and attempt to calmly mitigate the situation.