8 Tips On How To Choose A Roommate, As Told By Someone Who Is Shouting At You

1. ON “LIVING WITH THE SAME SEX”

CHOOSE A ROOMMATE OF THE SAME SEX IF YOUR ANSWER IS “YES” TO AT LEAST 75% OF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS.

ARE YOU MESSY? DO YOU LIKE TO WALK AROUND YOUR HOME NAKED? ARE YOU A HETEROSEXUAL PERSON
UNABLE TO KEEP RULES SUCH AS “DON’T SLEEP WITH ROOMMATE”? ARE YOU A HOMOSEXUAL PERSON WHO DESIRES CLOSE PROXIMITY FOR MORE EFFECTIVE STALKING OF PROSPECTIVE ROOMMATE? ARE YOU INTIMIDATED BY THE OPPOSITE SEX? ARE YOU AFFLICTED BY EXCESSIVE COUGH/ ABSURD-SOUNDING FLATULENCE? DO YOU HAVE POOR PERSONAL HYGIENE?

2. ON “LIVING WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX”

CHOOSE A ROOMMATE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IF YOUR ANSWER IS “YES” TO AT LEAST 75% OF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS.

ARE YOU PREPARED TO HEAR YOUR HETEROSEXUAL ROOMMATE GETTING BANGED? ARE YOU PREPARED TO HEAR YOUR HETEROSEXUAL ROOMMATE’S SEX STORIES OVER BRUNCH? ARE YOU PREPARED FOR BATHROOM CONFLICT? ARE YOU A HOMOSEXUAL PERSON UNABLE TO KEEP RULES SUCH AS “DON’T SLEEP WITH ROOMMATE”? ARE YOU A HETEROSEXUAL PERSON WHO DESIRES CLOSE PROXIMITY FOR MORE EFFECTIVE STALKING OF PROSPECTIVE ROOMMATE?

3. ON “EMPLOYMENT”

CHOOSE A ROOMMATE WHO WORKS TWO FULL-TIME JOBS. THAT WAY YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR ROOMMATE. THIS IS ESPECIALLY NECESSARY IF YOU “WORK FROM HOME” OR ARE CURRENTLY SEEKING EMPLOYMENT.

4. ON “SIGNIFICANT OTHERS”

CHOOSE A ROOMMATE WHO HAS A SIGNIFICANT OTHER WITH A MUCH NICER APARTMENT THAN YOURS. THAT WAY YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR ROOMMATE. DO NOT CHOOSE A ROOMMATE WHOSE SIGNIFICANT OTHER WILL STAY OVER ALL THE TIME. DO NOT CHOOSE A SINGLE, ATTRACTIVE ROOMMATE AS YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE WOKEN UP BY THE SOUND OF HIS SEX WITH PEOPLE. ONLY CHOOSE A ROOMMATE WITH A SIGNIFICANT OTHER WHO HAS A MUCH NICER APARTMENT THAN YOURS.

5. ON “PROFESSIONALS”

CHOOSE A PERSON WHO SAYS THEY ARE A “PROFESSIONAL,” THEY WILL BE CLEAN AND MOST LIKELY NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU. THEY WILL PAY THEIR BILLS ON TIME.

6. ON “HAVING A CAR”

CHOOSE A ROOMMATE WITH A CAR SO SHE CAN HELP YOU MOVE FURNITURE, GROCERIES, CONTRABAND.

7. ON “PARTY GIRLS”

DO NOT CHOOSE A PARTY GIRL FOR YOUR ROOMMATE, THEY WILL MOST LIKELY BE INCONSIDERATE, LOUD, AND MESSY. “PARTY GIRLS” CAN BE MALE OR FEMALE. YOU CAN DISCERN IF YOUR POTENTIAL ROOMMATE IS A PARTY GIRL IF THEY MEET 75% OF THE FOLLOWING CRITERIA:

• THEY MENTION BEER PONG AT YOUR ROOMMATE INTERVIEW
• THEY EARNESTLY SAY “BRO”
• THEY HAVE VERY LONG PAINTED NAILS
• THEY MENTION A KEG STAND AT YOUR ROOMMATE INTERVIEW
• THEY SAY THINGS LIKE “I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BUGS CRAWLING ALL OVER MY SKIN” AND “I’M OFF ADDERALL FOR GOOD NOW”
• THEY GET A PHONE CALL AND SAY ON THE PHONE, “BUT YOU F-CKED HER THOUGH, RIGHT?”

8. ON “AGREEING TO SHARE FOOD”

DO NOT AGREE TO SHARE FOOD WITH YOUR POTENTIAL ROOMMATE, HE WILL JUST STEAL ALL YOUR FOOD AND NOT REPLACE IT. AN OFFER TO SHARE FOOD WITH YOU IS MERELY A THINLY VEILED ATTEMPT TO ASK FOR PERMISSION TO TAKE SOMETHING OF YOURS. IF YOU AGREE TO SHARE FOOD WITH YOUR POTENTIAL ROOMMATE YOU’LL COME HOME AFTER WORK ONE DAY AND FIND THE BROWN RICE THAT YOU WERE PLANNING ON EATING HAS BEEN EATEN. DO NOT CHOOSE A PERSON WHO OFFERS TO SHARE FOOD WITH YOU.