5 Gadgets That Should Be Invented For 20-Somethings

The Word To Hairstyle Converter™

Elliot Stokes

Refrigerator Analyzer™

The Refrigerator Analyzer™ is a hand-held tablet that analyzes the contents of your refrigerator and suggests possible meals. It uses next-generation smart technology to tailor its results according to your level of hunger and mood. For example, if you’re feeling chipper, the Analyzer™ might scan your refrigerator containing an egg, half a green pepper, a few Taco Bell hot sauce packets, and a large block of cheese to suggest a Denver-style pan fried omelette on toast. But if you were to suddenly become depressed and existential, the Analyzer™ would adjust its recommendation to suggest that you simply treat the block of cheese as its own meal, as large quantities of cheese are known to comfort depressed people. The main idea behind the Refrigerator Analyzer™ is to simply provide 20-somethings who have no idea, ever, what to cook themselves, despite being very hungry, and despite having plenty of food to cook, with satisfactory recipes that taste good and hit the spot. In addition to its primary function, the Analyzer™ comes with instructional videos and dietary advice.

Drunk Chaperone™

Drunk Chaperone™ is a one-stop shop for preventing drunken unseemliness and morning after shame-spirals. Disguised as a silver ring band that you wear on your finger, the device uses electrical pulses (basically, it shocks you) to alert you that you’re beginning to border on drunken situations such as making earnest plans with complete strangers who you’ll never talk to again, uncontrollable leering at members of the preferred sex, overemotional drama, getting ‘too real,’ using social networking websites irresponsibly, going home with undesirable characters, engaging in deep, meta, faux-intellectual discussion, confessing your love for your crush, tearing up or excessive crying, and more. Additional features of Drunk Chaperone™ include short-term energy infusion, automated taxi-dialing, and a sentimental text message to ex blocker.

Closet Companion™

The Closet Companion™ is a wall-mounted device that catalogs the contents of your closet and suggests outfits according to your mood, occasion, goals, and data from other users who are likely to be encountered. When turned on, Closet Companion™ performs a quick scan of your closet and produces what is, essentially, a holographic, reflective surface (for all intents and purposes, a mirror). After you explain to the Closet Companion™ your goals for the night, where you’re going, and who you’re going with (Closet Companion™ uses data from Facebook and OkCupid to ensure that the sensibilities of any of those who will be present are not offended, but piqued by its choice of outfit), Closet Companion™ cycles through outfits which it determines are statistically most likely to lead you to your stated results. The device, via the reflective hologram, shows you in each of these outfits. Additional features of Closet Companion™ include a library of cinematic orchestral arrangements for playing while dressing and an index of inspirational quotes, which scroll across the holographic reflective surface from time to time.

Word To Hairstyle Converter™

The Word To Hairstyle Converter™ is a thin, opaque tablet for barbers and boutique salons that “converts” your incoherent description of how you want your hair styled into an image of what you’re actually trying to say. A front-mounted camera detects your age and gender, and embedded lasers scan your head and produce a three-dimensional holographic rendering, which revolves, slowly, like in science fiction movies. Supplemental measurements in the form of various neon wavelengths appear above and behind the revolving holographic rendering. As you stumble through an abstract description of how you want to look after getting your hair cut, the Word To Hairstyle Converter™ uses next-level algorithms that take into account your body language, vocal meter, voice intonation, and minute facial movements to interpret exactly what you mean. The Word to Hairstyle Converter™ also includes a continually updated bank of hairstyles, which it can transpose on the three-dimensional rendering of your head. Additional features include music player, blow dryer, and serrated clippers for sideburns and top of the neck.

Dating Data Feed™

Dating Data Feed™ makes first dates, blind dates, internet dates, and subsequent dates a breeze. It’s an inconspicuous device you can wear on the lapel of a suit jacket, the brim of an ironic trucker hat, the folds of a vintage cardigan, etc. Dating Data Feed™ uses laser technology to judge a date’s body language, facial expression, words, voice intonation, and more to help you figure out what to say, what not to say, and if you’re going to get laid tonight. Information is delivered via radio communication between the Dating Data Feed™ device and the Dating Data Feed Buddy™, a nanodevice surgically implanted in your frontal cortex. Once the date begins, the Dating Data Feed™ system uses its patented technology, Date Drive™, to, in effect, ‘steer’ you toward your desired outcome by providing you with continual, pre-language cues and sensitivities that enable you to produce statistically ideal body language, facial expressions, physical contact, dialogue, and more, in a completely natural and non-awkward manner. The Data Dating Feed™ has six sensitivity settings that can be adjusted according to the level of help you require, as well as 14 desired date outcomes that can be adjusted according to your goals for the night. On top of driving the date, the device temporarily suppresses the production of bodily gas and odors in an effort to help you avoid excessive flatulence and BO.