I Don’t ‘Get’ My Hair

I don’t ‘get’ my hair. When I wake up in the morning and get dressed, without fail, I encounter the problem that is my hair. What do you want? I ask it. Tell me what to do with you. It doesn’t respond. I go to the bathroom to study it. At first I feel nothing, and then I’m awash in frustration and confusion. What do people even do with their hair? I ask rhetorically. Do people tousle their hair? How do they achieve professional, sexy, and unconventional? Is letting my hair’s natural oils build up by not washing my hair for ~two days to use as a styling product acceptable behavior, or just disgusting? Is bedhead normative?

How do I ‘do’ my hair? I don’t get it. I walk around the streets of Capitol Hill and see people who seem to understand how to do their hair. They must have a specific agenda and plan of action for their hair. My hair should be sexy, modern, and cool. To that end, it must be long, unkempt, and parted to the right side, sometimes getting into my eyes, which I can then flick behind my ears in an endearing, humble, candid, and somewhat bashful manner. I don’t have an agenda for my hair, let alone a plan of action. My identity doesn’t seemed to be fully-formed; have I grown out of ironic everything? Am I serious enough to start dressing seriously? How do I ‘do’ my hair?

Why is my hair so confusing? I don’t get it. If my hair were a person, my hair would be a jerk. It would stare me in the face and laugh loudly at random, startling intervals. It would sit next to me in coffee shops and breathe loudly, sigh profusely, finger drum, and read emails audibly. It would follow me on the sidewalk, always two steps behind me but never passing me; for miles it would linger at my back. It would walk slowly in front of me, and when I would try to pass it, it would veer slowly into my path, forever foiling my attempts to walk at a reasonable pace.

What do people do with their hair? I don’t get it. Do they know something that I don’t? Where did they get their hair cut? What did they say to the stylist? I’ve tried to get the stylist to make my hair good — it never works. “Just, you know, well. I don’t know what I want,” I tell the stylist. “Feel free to experiment.” Hairstylists are artists and love to experiment, but for some reason, my approach never works. I inevitably get a “The f–k?” look. What am I supposed to say to the stylist? I think I’m trying to be a professional… but cool. I can’t be sure. Please help me.

I don’t ‘get’ my hair. I don’t get it. I used the internet last Saturday to look for possible hairstyles, and the internet told me that a hairstyle that Adolf Hitler wore is sexy right now. I went to the hairdresser after using the internet and got that haircut. Now when I look in the mirror I just push my hair to the side. I can’t tell if it looks good or not. It’s baffling. I can never tell if it looks good or not. I don’t get my hair.