An Interview For Potential Girlfriends

Me: Ah, hi! You’re [name], right? Ah, ehm, yes, well. It’s really nice out today, isn’t it?

You: [Warm but detached response regarding your name and the weather. Body language/ tonal cues indicating awareness of small-talk, desire to honor it yet shirk it as quickly as is comfortably possible. Positive, expectant, rapt demeanor.]

Me: Ok well my name is Brandon, and I’ll be interviewing you for the position of My Girlfriend today. So before I start, just so we’re on the same page, let me tell you a little about the position for which you’re interviewing.

The My Girlfriend position has a significant number of duties that we expect the qualified candidate to fulfill on a consistent basis. And without even getting into these duties, I should preface them with the fact that a key word here is “consistent.” In the past we’ve hired people that initially seemed like totally great hires, but were eventually unable to perform even the most basic tasks that the position requires. While we do understand that this position can be emotionally dynamic, taxing and at times unpredictable, consistency remains one of the main traits we’re looking for in a potential hire.

Anyways, on to the job description. In a My Girlfriend, we’re specifically looking for someone with a few years of experience in the field. Ideally, they should be strong communicators, intelligent, and able to relate on a realistic, down-to-earth level that doesn’t involve pervasive delusions of self, cliché or fantasy notions of reality, and discomfort with earnestness. We’re also looking for someone who’s basically over their Quest For Cool and is experienced enough to value ability to relate over superficial factors such as status, dress, level of irony, etc. Finally, the successful candidate will be reasonably comfortable and excited about sex with the company.

Anyway, without making this interview run on too long, that’s sort of a general overview of the position. Did I explain it well enough? Do you have a pretty good idea of what the My Girlfriend position entails?

You: [Verbal/ tonal/ body language affirmation and indication of earnest pique of interest and desire to quickly share your own thoughts about relationships, reality, honesty, and your own goals with the My Girlfriend position. Small speech on “completely getting” the problem of consistency in relationships and the strange, almost tangential effects that time has on the bond/ love between two people. Speech includes recognition (/gentle rebuttal) of the fact that asking and hoping for/ expecting consistency is somewhat paradoxical or perhaps just unrealistic, which, ironically, is what company expects the successful candidate not to be (i.e. unrealistic). Speech meanders into wondering aloud about the process by which two people grow apart yet still completely love each other; a twinge of genuine sadness/ emotion is shown as the wondering aloud reaches the fact that the law of cause and effect is actually completely horrifying, if one starts thinking too hard about it.]

Me: Yeah, I don’t get it either. I can completely relate to what you’re saying though. What you said really makes me want to say a lot to you, but I’m not, because I don’t want this interview to run on too long. I hope you understand. So. Who are your favorite artists?

You: [Somewhat quick list of musicians and authors in a slightly dismissive, endearing manner before a segue into an explanation of the idea that artistic tastes are “sort of important but not really. Like… music and film and literature and all that are fine but I honestly don’t give a shit about trying to connect ‘over film,’ or whatever. I don’t get ‘connecting over film.’ I’d much rather connect over the feeling we create via our interaction. Over the way we make each other feel. If we coincidentally like the same artists, fine. Seems like I honestly don’t care that much, about that, though.”]

Me: Yeah that’s totally fair. I agree. What are you like after a long day of minor disappointments? Do you come home and act like a total asshole to your boyfriend? How do you deal with it?

You: [Express that you’re not the type to do that; that you know that perceiving patterns such as “The Universe Hates Me Today” is irrational and foundationally pointless. Add that you do, “however,” expect comfort and that you want to be able to depend on that comfort.]

Me: Are you a type that ‘clings’? In other words, would you forbid me from seeing my friends if, for example, you were feeling upset about something? Would you text message me a totally unreasonable amount of times when I’m hanging out with my friends, in essence trying to have a conversation with me while I’m away? That type of thing?

You: “No, I would want you to be happy. I wouldn’t ever want to prevent you from being around your friends.”

Me: If I expressed that, for example, I’ve been really unsatisfied for the past week, with you, would you dramatize to such an extent that instead of being able to discuss it, I was the one that ended up having to comfort you? In other words, will you consistently deny the fact that I have a problem or an issue with you (not that I’m expecting to have a lot, but it happens, of course) by ‘making’ my problem with you a problem for you, thus causing my needs to go unmet and ironically ‘forcing’ me to comfort you for me having problems with you? Do you see what I’m saying?

You: [Indication that you understand. Expression that you will try not to do that, but that everyone’s human, and that you can’t promise to not be irrational sometimes, because everyone – even the interviewer – can be irrational sometimes.]

Me: True. Do you have trust issues? Are you jealous? Do you have an alcohol or drug problem? We prefer you aren’t a regular smoker (social smoking is totally good though), are you a regular smoker? Do you have anger management issues?

You: [Thoughtful indication that you’re pretty sure your answer is “no” to all of those questions.]

Me: How do you feel about sex?

You: [Statement that you “love” sex.]

Me: I just realized something. It’s that this position also requires a certain amount of surprise. For example we want someone who can overturn our logic sometimes; someone who’s actually challenging and maybe actively challenges us. Someone who can be unpredictable and unknown sometimes. Someone who can say something that will suddenly swell the situation with meaning such that we literally remember that moment for the rest of our lives. And so this interview may be a bit impossible, or may at a basic level–

You: [Completely unpredictable, penetrating remark, obviously made unintentionally. Obviously unaware how good I think it is.]

Me: [Eyes widen.]