10 Things I Wish I Could Tell Everyone In My Apartment Complex

To the person/people who refuse to clean up after their pets:

• No, it’s cool. I’m sure your dog’s shit is going to fertilize the lawn and not cause any problems. Thanks for being mindful of the landscape’s future. Also, I hope you step on a LEGO brick.

To the person/people who like to let their toddler throw things off the balcony:

• You should really work with him on his follow-through. He has potential to be a great athlete, but he needs to put a little more work into skill building if he is going to go pro. I mean, not all great athletes get their start flinging DVDs, panties and bottles of dish soap off the balcony. His story is a unique one. Nuture that. Also, I think I have half of someone’s sandwich on my balcony.

To the person/people who have a pet skunk:

• I love animals. They are great, but your skunk is REALLY stinky. I mean, I hear you all laughing a lot and watching Cheech and Chong movies, so I assume you have a lot of fun over there with your skunk. I’m just wondering if maybe you could work on his smell not permeating the hallways?? Maybe you should take the little guy to a vet? Or get some air freshener?

To the people who throw their trash beside the dumpster:

• There is LITERALLY a big hole in the SIDE of the dumpster that is specifically there as a portal for your trash to go the landfill. If you put the trash beside the dumpster, your trash will have less of a chance of making its magic journey to the land of refuse. Please, consider the trash’s feelings. Also, you eat a WHOLE lot of Easy Mac.

To the person/people who refuse to take their lint out of the communal dryers:

• Thank YOU! I’m going to knit a sweater with all of this lint so I can feel like you’re part of me.

To the person/people who like to have really loud arguments:

• Look, I know that relationships are hard. I’m sad to hear that your ‘whore wife’ cheated on you with Ronnie from the F.O.P lodge. That is understandably upsetting. I’m also upset to hear that you think she would ‘fuck anything with two legs and a prescription of Viagra.’ One thing I would like to point out, though…I should not know any of these things about your life. Get some counseling and tone it down. Sorry about the infidelity though…that sucks.

To the neighbors that like to leave their blinds open:

• Please don’t. I ran out of eye bleach.

To the person who likes to leave passive aggressive notes in the hallways:

• Seriously? Who does that? I mean…OBVIOUSLY you should write a passive aggressive article and get it published on the internet! Step up your game there, buddy. I’m tired of handling your light work.

To the person/people who cook…interesting food:

• I am not a chef. I make a mean tuna melt, and my lasagna is on point. I appreciate the efforts put forth to partake in all kinds of cuisine. With that said, the problem here is that when you cook, it smells like the inside of a Sarlacc’s mouth and make me dry heave. I don’t know what kind of ingredients you are using or even if they are legal, but PLEASE for the love of all humanity…open a window, get take out or just stop cooking stuff that gives off an odor so offensive that even Bill Maher is upset about it.

To the person who threw up on the stoop and just…left it there:

I’m just going to assume you’re a Sociology major and you were monitoring people’s reaction to this heinous behavior. I choose to believe this because if the truth is that you are just an asshole, I will have to fight the urge to poop in front of your door and leave it there. Don’t make me put in that extra effort. Good luck with your studies.