Brad Pike

‘This is a wonderful day,’ I thought. ‘My ego is a fat hungry polar bear, and these girls are tossing it penguins by the dozen.’

Having recently watched Cabin in the Woods, one of the better horror movies I’ve seen in a while, I’m inspired to lay out my personal preferences for the ideal horror movie.

Not watching Breaking Bad betrays a profound moral and intellectual failing, so you should be imprisoned. No, executed. Your hands and feet should be tied to two horses galloping in opposite direction for your crime. You should be dipped in acid, set on fire, and then fed to hungry wolves.

And now you laugh, you laugh at how your animal has drenched me in its fluid. How hilarious. I’ll laugh too: ha ha ha, it’s so adorable how your dog lunged at me, invaded my personal space, and then washed my glorious visage in smelly dumpster juice. Laughing at a violation of my dignity is a great way to nourish our relationship for years to come, you species defector.

This all started, as you know, with the invention of the HP Donut Printer F410, a 3D printer that uses special dough and frosting cartridges, baking donuts pixel by pixel with a high powered laser. It’s clear now that HP should’ve known better.

Further reduce utility costs by never turning on your lights as a single light bulb can cost over $0.007 per hour (!), and besides, the darkness will hide you from the shadow people.

If my strategy leads to your election as President of the United States, I want to legally own them, body and soul: Tagg, Matt, Josh, Ben, and especially Craig will be mine to dress in whatever outfits I choose.

We’ve got penguin plates, a glass candy dish, prescription painkillers, a pencil drawing of a burning tree, and an old yellow quilt. Only one dollar for my parents’ old yellow quilt. I promise it’s not the quilt my father wrapped himself in like a womb as death approached.

Using this voting method, more effective officials will theoretically be elected, leading to a more productive harmonious government. Electron will propel the country into a beautiful future where humanity can relax in the knowledge infallible robots are making all the important decisions, and nothing can possibly go wrong.

So how can you tell if you’re a Boltzmann brain? First of all, examine your world and ask yourself if there are any illogical features like, say, pet psychics, dark matter, or manatees.

Glass shattered on the walkway directly next to my window, singed glass shards puked out by the flaming death ball a few meters above me.

If she spells “conscious” as “conches” or “embarrass” as “embaress,” she’s blown it, and by it, I mean the opportunity to date a person who writes about huffing poop on the internet. Once I see three or so misspelled words, I read the rest of the profile in a Tommy Pickles voice.