Brad Pike

Meanwhile, I trudged through knee-deep metaphorical snow with icy winds raking my flesh like fish hooks, desperately searching for a recognizable landmark.

I’m just so thankful you dressed me in this suit to improve my viability as a job candidate. That is the primary reason, correct?

After all, the cupcake is the iPod of cake—portable, fashionable, perfectly sized for the busy urban dweller who can’t be hauling a birthday cake everywhere in case an unexpected cake craving (ca-kraving) should strike.

Sleep: Brad, there’s a Dalmatian puppy running through this haunted mansion. Catch it! Go! Now! Quick!

Across from me, four elderly women with bifocals whispered amongst themselves while glancing in my direction, probably discussing how much candy I was eating if I had to guess. ‘I will be one of them soon,’ I thought.

You’ll imagine you’re playing simply to purge this compulsion from your system, that once you’re finished, you can move on to other more important, productive activities in your life, perhaps outdoor activities even, but the truth is: Fallout: New Vegas is hundreds of hours long with three different expansion packs and endless replay value due to the branching storylines. There is no future for you.

At the start, the Doctor is shot by a Sonoran and regenerates as a woman played by Gina Torres or possibly Alyson Hannigan. After that, she fights evil aliens using karate along with mesmerizing wit.

In the haunted house levels, for example, he would say, “Reminds me of Halloween at Rip Taylor’s!” and I’d think, ‘Who’s Rip Taylor? I’m 11.” In the dinosaur stages, he would say, “Marshall, Will, and Holly on a routine expedition,” and I’d be like, “What? Who are those people? What is he talking about? I’m 11.”

The only way this could be more adorable is if she had a kitten in her lap, a kitten with a Doctor Who scarf.

Around the corner from my apartment, there’s a Thai restaurant called Thai Thank You. You get it? It’s like “Bye, thank you,” except Thai Thank You, a pun on a common phrase, one you’d probably receive as you left Thai Thank You, thus adding to the humor. Here is a list of other suitable names for a Thai restaurant.

Look at me: I am making pancakes. I am inserting strawberry cheesecake so they will be strawberry cheesecake pancakes. I am stacking the strawberry cheesecake pancakes and covering them in strawberry frosting so they will be strawberry cheesecake pancake cupcakes. I am making 60 strawberry cheesecake pancake cupcakes, and I am eating them one after another, rapidly, without chewing.

We hugged briefly. It was not a sexy hug. I was trembling violently but not from uncontrollable passion so much as from guzzling a giant mug of instant coffee.