Brad Pike

The car suddenly swerved before righting itself, and my mom quietly put a blanket over her head for the subsequent duration. I could hear her muffled sobs.

The problem with clothes is their impermanence, their slow deterioration from snazzy garments into rags fit only for nuclear holocaust survivors, requiring replacement clothes, ever more replacement clothes.

Football is the most meaningless form of entertainment ever conceived.

I’m going to have to flip the table, kick my foot through the window, tear off my own arm, eat the arm, cry, and throw up in the next four seconds if I have any hope of expunging the darkness welling up in my soul like an oil derrick.

Are you paying attention? I can see your eyes lolling about as if from extraocular muscle spasms. Okay, everyone gets Adderall. Have all the Adderall in my pocket. Do not choke on the Adderall.

Where did you go today? Besides the kitchen. All your Facebook friends visited Paris, Kenya, and Tokyo, and they’ve posted 14,000 gorgeous photos of their life-changing experiences.

No, I’m definitely just an average comic consumer with no particular predilection toward anything specific about this comic, certainly not KITTIES SO CUTE I THREW UP AND THEN CRIED.

There will be a Christmas tree, yes, but it will be called the Slowly Dying Conifer. Why the Slowly Dying Conifer? Well, the Slowly Dying Conifer serves to remind us of the terrible truth of our lives: we did not ask to be here, but here we are.

Romantic Comedy Movie centers around a female character who at first dislikes a male character — due to their oppositional personalities, worldviews, lifestyles, etc.

On my way to the grocery store, I run into a man made of chocolate cake. “Oh my God, you’re made of cake!” I say. “How is this possible?”

Your great uncle who’s been posting ten anti-Obama image macros a day on Facebook — rub his face in this: the repudiation of his entire worldview!

What a terrible scenario to imagine if someone — not me, of course, but someone — siphoned off a portion of blood and improperly transported it, leading to coagulated garbage blood, unfit for anyone’s mysterious, undoubtedly sinister purpose.