Brad Pike

There’s a scene where she says something to the effect of, “Despite my reluctance, we’re going to have to kill all the humans,” and I thought, ‘That is the only way to fix this show.’ If they actually murdered all the humans on network TV, I would finally become engaged.

You tell yourself there’s no point indulging the kind of negative emotions which flood your body with harmful stress hormones. Giving yourself over to utter horror and despair will not improve your situation. There was a time when you could have evaded these circumstances, but that moment has passed, and all that is left now is damage control.

The pop culture icon who can guide us best in our analysis of the modern elite we so deride is not Galt from Rand’s Atlas Shrugged or Gatsby from Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, but Scrooge McDuck from Ducktales.

Count up all the graduation money your family members sent you in the hope that it might ease your transition into adulthood. Then slowly spend the majority on fancy coffee drinks from Starbucks and organic vegan granola bars from Whole Foods. Spend the rest on a stylish Chinese lantern with an orange flower design around the edge you ordered off the internet.

I think there’s an insatiable national hunger for Empowerment Fantasies. The stock market crash disempowered people, made them feel their destinies were in the hands of mysterious market forces rather than their own. Then they watched all these Wall Street Lex Luthor types avoid punishment, and instead receive gigantic cash bailouts.

Here is how I feel about it: books are books and movies are movies. Movies will never have the same effect as books, and likewise books will never have quite the same effect as movies. They are two different mediums with their own unique strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, their narratives have to be constructed in two different ways.

Let’s consider What Would You Do? Here’s a show that was basically the movie Saw except with cream pies instead of elaborate death traps. There was a pie coaster, a pie pod, a pie pendulum, a pie slide, and an insane contraption called the “Pie Wash” which spun contestants around in a leather chair and enveloped them in cream shot from three nozzles.

I sleep in my clothing. I mean, I wear a full outfit to bed. Everything except socks and shoes, so that means sometimes I wear hoodies or jeans or a fucking jacket to bed. The more I write about this, the crazier it seems. I can’t say when I started this behavior, but it’s become so ingrained into my daily routine, I see no reason to alter it.

The episode centers on a ginger douchebag who steals a clown mannequin’s rubber nose from a fun house. This fun house has some weird shit in it. On his way to the mannequin, there is a giant dragon head that breathes real flames across his path, and he has to time his passage across carefully or he will be set on fire. No big deal. All children’s recreation should have an element of social Darwinism.

No Rent: Property values on dead whales are so low that investors fail to see any profit in them, and thus, there are no landlords to whom one would pay rent. This is a significant boon to students or the unemployed. Each month, you can use the rent money for other more rewarding fiscal opportunities such as world travel, high quality vegan ingredients, and exotic bath salts.

How do the toys deal with immortality? Does it cause them to think about time differently? After all, the only possible end to their lives would be profound mutilation like in a garbage compactor or a fire or by an abusive owner. Presumably the toys will see the last moments of our bloated red sun before it goes supernova.

Americans would trust a military veteran or a movie star as president more than a college professor. Americans believe Snooki deserves higher speaking fees than Toni Morrison. However, I think this bubbling resentment emerges most prominently in the comic book Superman, where each month, the strong handsome titular figure beats the shit out of the nerdy bald guy.