Brad Pike

As far as I can tell, they just knock stuff over all day long like it’s a full time job. This would indicate to me that ghosts are either mentally handicapped versions of their living selves (unlikely) or they’re cavemen ghosts.

Iraq war: no end in sight. Cupcake Wars: 4-hour time limit. Iraq war: Blood for oil. Cupcake Wars: Frosting for my mouth. Iraq war: Post traumatic stress disorder. Cupcake Wars: sugar headache. Iraq war: hundreds of thousands of soldiers. Cupcake Wars: 4 contestants. Iraq war: Screaming, cursing, racial slurs. Cupcake Wars: racial slurs edited out in post production.

It’s a good thing she’s married to fellow artist/ filmmaker Mike Mills (who also has a movie out this summer called Beginners) or I feel confident I could slide down the slippery slope from crush to obsession to waiting for the police on a street corner with a copy of Catcher in the Rye. Let me try to give a broad overview of her body of work.

Now, the History Channel brings us…Swamp People. You asked for it, America! You wanted to see dentally handicapped, incoherent, poverty stricken Cajuns zooming around the bayou, hunting gators, and now you have it!

“Did you write this newspaper?” he asked and held it up for me. “No,” I said. “That’s funny. Because some students told me they were confident it was you who wrote it.” “Yeah, I heard that too. I think it’s because I write for the school newspaper, so they just assumed.” “Uh huh?” “Yeah.” “Okay, I’m going to give you one more chance to tell me the truth. Did you write this?”

There were approximately fifty times when I adjusted in my seat, looked around at my friends, and thought, ‘I’m watching a movie right now. It’s a “deep movie”, but I’ve become disengaged. I would like this experience to end now, but it’s going to keep going for a long time, and there’s no way to skip through to the end. I can only endure.’

She will never be allowed make-up. Every morning, girls wake up, look in the mirror, and try to figure out what’s wrong with their faces so they can conceal it with chemical powders. It’s dishonest and psychologically destructive. Some girls might say it’s not, but then they’ll get drunk and lament their ugly noses, much prettier sisters, and small boobs.

Another lady showed off her stockpile of cat food. “We don’t have any cats,” she said, laughing. The mind reels, struggling to discern rationality in the irrational, stewing in its juices, spinning its wheels on an oily slick road of illogic and madness. As a pear-shaped woman says something like, “I love my stockpile almost as much as I love my family,” you may begin bleeding from the eyes.

The problem with saving animals from extinction is that so many of them are also scary, threatening, and nihilistic. I can’t empathize with them. I have no feeling of kinship with these fellow life forms. These particular animals seem to have been designed by nature specifically to evoke this reaction from me, so I don’t feel bad about it.

The coach held up a certificate: “And Mike is ‘Best Goalie’. Come on down, Mike.” So this put me in kind of an awkward situation. My teammates immediately looked to me for the sure to be hilarious reaction shot to being publicly called out as an inferior human being in front of the whole team and everyone’s parents. The only question now was: what would my award be?

If you watch The Killing, you may also want to have a puppy/kitten present for cuddles. If you have any Lisa Frank paraphernalia, keep it nearby for intense scrutiny during commercials. Have ice cream, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and, optionally, root beer available to repel feelings of hopelessness and despair.

Food Party was a combination of Pee Wee Herman, Salvador Dali, Julia Child, Tim and Eric, and LSD. To call it a cooking show would be like calling The Wire a cop show. Episodes revolved around hostess (and show creator) Thu Tran cooking up some weird food in her Technicolor cardboard kitchen.