Brad Pike

When he pulled a gun from his waistband and jabbed it to my belly, I thought it was a phone.

This is my nightmare. A dimly lit room, congested with strangers, forced to watch professional baseball.

First, I just want to thank you for all the pamphlets you’ve already sent me.

Schools vary on what constitutes a “gifted student”; the children who, as their icy brilliance matures, will grow into our corporate overseers and financially relevant humans.

Though only 6 seconds long, Paris Hilton’s vines are dense with meaning and evocative imagery ripe for interpretation. In this first—and possibly last—installment, I will examine 5 of the earliest ones.

Popeyes is the Lord our God, and He loves you very much.

This holiday season, you have a difficult decision when it comes to what film to go see with your family.

1. Wrapping Paper There is nothing, nothing, worse than running out of wrapping paper. In some cases, you have to resort to covering your family’s treasured retail items in newspaper. “Positively gauche, father,” your son will say.

Popeyes is the Lord our God. He has engineered the perfect blend of carbohydrates, proteins, and fats to promote maximum dopamine production. It is called Popeyes Spicy Fried Chicken Tenders.

You don’t have to touch anyone. Physical contact is disgusting enough as it is, but sex pushes it to the extreme.

Since my parents’ divorce, my mom sends me emails most mornings, updating me on her life, thoughts, and online dating. Here are 12 of my favorites.

If you were anyone else, I’d worry about misinterpreted signals, but this relationship is so obviously platonic, so clearly brother-sisterly, I don’t worry about it.