The Non-Fan’s Guide To The NFL Playoffs, Part 4: Pro (And Puppy!) Bowl Weekend
Puppy Bowl X is moderated by rookie referee Dan Schachner (read: man who stole my dream job).
By Bill Domke
If you clicked on the link for information on this weekend’s Pro Bowl, you must REALLY be a non-fan. Don’t worry, nobody’s judging you, you simply need to understand the significance of this weekend. Here it is: There is no significance to this weekend. Nobody cares about the Pro Bowl.
That’s why you, the non-fan, are luckier than the actual fans that skipped this gem. Since (most) fans don’t care about the Pro Bowl, we’re going to discuss a different bowl game that I sadly have to overlook next week in favor of Super Bowl Sunday.
That’s right, we’re going to talk about the Puppy Bowl. This is a big year. It’s Puppy Bowl X.
Sunday, February 2, 3:00 pm (ET): Puppy Bowl X
Some Adorable Facts: The Puppy Bowl is a glorious program that Animal Planet puts on before the Super Bowl airing next Sunday at 3 pm (ET) and will feature 38 starter pups, all from shelters. Every ball of fur is adoptable, and the show is meant to encourage the adoption of dogs from shelters around the country.
The program is a 2-hour smorgasbord of cuteness and shenanigans. You watch puppies play with toys while a grown man narrates everything. The entire event takes place in a mock stadium, and there is a Kitty Halftime Show, because who doesn’t like watching kittens play with laser pens, scratching posts, and other toys?
That is not to say this game lacks order. Puppy Bowl X is moderated by rookie referee Dan Schachner (read: man who stole my dream job). Look for him to keep the puppies in line with traditional calls of “Unpuppylike conduct,” “Illegal Retriever Down Field,” and “Excessive Cuteness on the Field.”
Also look forward to the “Bowl Cam,” enabling us to see puppies drinking water from the bowl’s perspective, and baby hedgehog cheerleaders clad in tutus.
Key Vocabulary:
The Kiss Cam: This feature was used in Puppy Bowls from 2011-2013. Hopefully it is used again this year. Notable celebrities caught on the Kiss Cam in the past include the Chihuahuas from “Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2.”
Meep the Cockatiel: Meep livetweets the Puppy Bowl. You can follow Meep on Twitter @meepthebird.
Name Branding: Even the Puppy Bowl rakes in ad revenue. The official name of the Puppy Bowl stadium is “Geico Puppy Bowl Stadium.”
Key “Awws” To Mew: THE ENTIRE TIME. Grab some chips and dip, preferably a puppy of your own, and melt from cuteness overload.
Anyway, enjoy the Pro Bowl this weekend. If anyone tries to talk to you about it, an acceptable answer is always, “Nobody cares about the Pro Bowl.” You’ve got bigger (and smaller, more adorable) things to look forward to next Sunday. 
