To The ‘Boy’ I Thought I Loved

I thought you had taken everything with you when you left, I thought you stole all the pieces of me I’d never get back. You messed me up so bad that I couldn’t distinguish truth from lies after you were gone.

I thought that everything a man told me was just a form of manipulation.

I thought that every apology from the one after you was a mere trick to hold me hostage and keep me trapped.

You warped my mind to only see the bad in people. Before I met you – I didn’t see that. I saw the beauty in others, but man; I was so naive.

I still sometimes find myself feeling like my mind is playing tricks on me. My heart says “this is real” but my mind tells me “no, it’s a lie”

I’ve almost sabotaged something good many times, a real and true love – because of the way my mind thinks now.

You made me want to run when anything would go wrong in fear of the consequences I’d have to face.

I’d fear the abrasive words. I’d fear the threats.

But that’s illogical. That was you. Only you. Fights and disagreements are normal, but you took them to the extreme.

You created a world in my mind that shouldn’t exist when two people truly love each other. That’s just it, you didn’t know how to love. You hardly took care of yourself.

My young heart thought that you were going to get better, that you were going to change and then one day I had an epiphany: you were not ever going to become the man you built yourself up to be.

You would always be a boy behind closed doors – belittling me with words and manipulating me into getting everything you wanted.

You see, online, you were spiritual and had a good head on your shoulders, but at home, you were a coward. You controlled every part of my life, even the parts you shouldn’t have. So when we were over, it took me years to figure out that not everyone was like you.

Not everyone would hurt me the way you did.

They wouldn’t lie to me and every single person around them. They wouldn’t steal my soul & joy.

I’ve realized now that the parts of me you took were the pieces I didn’t need. The pieces you left behind are beginning to heal and I’m starting to become the happy, go-getter I used to be. Starting today I refuse to sabotage my future happiness. I refuse to allow your ghost to have a home in my heart. I’m releasing all of the pain that slipped into the cracks of my soul, the pain that comes out whenever something bad happens in my relationships. That agony will no longer come out during hard times, my mind will no longer go to the place in my memory that says “run when things are tough” I am done allowing the remnants of your broken humanity rule my life.

You see, when you are with someone who truly cares about you, they realize when they hurt you and you don’t have to beg for them to change – they do it on their own. I thank God every day that is what I’ve found.

So to the boy, I thought I loved, I never did – and that’s not my fault, it’s yours; because you couldn’t even love yourself.