14 Phrases You Definitely Don’t Want To Hear Your Doctor Or Nurse Say

1. “I pulled it out in the end (or of the end).”

-*Insert any proctologist joke here.

2. “I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

-All of their peers come out of the woodwork to look and they can’t identify the rash if their lives depended on it either.

3. “This is my first day.”

-You’re the first patient, too. Hope you have insurance, baby. Or, on your baby.

4. “This is my last day.”

-They’re retiring and no longer care.

5. “This is your last day on earth.”

-You’re retiring and they no longer care.

6. “You may want to get a second or third opinion.”

-Your guess is as good as theirs at this point.

7. “I’m gonna puke.”

-You’re looking at a barf bag reservation for two.

8.”I’m running a little behind schedule.”

This could go one of two ways.

a) You will be waiting until the end of time.

b)Add a comma and you could be looking at another proctologist joke.

9. “Oh, you’re allergic to that? Oops.”

-Got an EpiPen? Lols.

10. “I can never find veins.”

-You’re gonna be more bruised when you leave here than a ripe banana.

11. “He’s no longer in pain.”

-He’ll never have the opportunity to be in pain again.  At least it’s a permanent solution?

12.”Well, keep an eye on that.”

-Their eyes have already been on it. You’re going down like the Titanic.

13. “It’s only going to hurt a little bit.”

-You’re going to need a horse tranquilizer dart thrown at you from across the room to be reasonably comfortable.

14. “Have you tried taking Tylenol?”

-You’ve tried every pain medication under the sun. You’ve also tried flirting with the pharmacist to show you anything else they may have in the back. Welcome to adulthood, you’re here for the hard stuff now.