Ben Branstetter

If you haven’t watched Community, I have two words: help us.

What astounded me was at no point did anyone question who I was or why I was there. The producers didn’t even ask for credentials.

These kids are very loud, very plasticine, and somewhat hillbilly.

The sole reason #cut4bieber is still trending is people using the hashtag to decry its purpose.

When Myspace first became popular, I put forth a Caulfieldian theory of how people behave online: People put forth the person they want  to be, not who they are.

Jack saves Rose by shooting Billy Zane with a blunderbuss then riding the Loch Ness Monster to the Statue of Liberty, where he defeats King Kong, hollows out his skeleton, and uses it as a house to raise his son, Dagger.

Why do I distinctly remember you taking literal soup ladles of pills, some antipsychotic, some vitamins, and some an eternal mystery?

They use their mom’s Netflix account to watch Drake and Josh. They don’t know whether Barack Obama is a Democrat or a Republican. They have no idea what Boy Meets World is and don’t care.

How many Skrillex concerts do you have to attend to qualify for a job at Journeys?

I was transported back to Positively Records when I recently came across a Telegraph headline: “Rejected Beatles Audition Tape Discovered.” You have my goddamn attention.

For the unfamiliar, the film follows the adventures of the titular Ralph, an 8-bit video game villain bent on proving his innate goodness and worth by fighting through other arcade games to earn a medal, something his disparate video game co-workers have assured him will give him self-worth.

I’d like to say I stood up and lit another Camel to write this, but my intentions were selfish, were aimed at recreating the false reality of what so many deem important. But it simply isn’t true.