Ben Branstetter

Why do I distinctly remember you taking literal soup ladles of pills, some antipsychotic, some vitamins, and some an eternal mystery?

They use their mom’s Netflix account to watch Drake and Josh. They don’t know whether Barack Obama is a Democrat or a Republican. They have no idea what Boy Meets World is and don’t care.

How many Skrillex concerts do you have to attend to qualify for a job at Journeys?

I was transported back to Positively Records when I recently came across a Telegraph headline: “Rejected Beatles Audition Tape Discovered.” You have my goddamn attention.

For the unfamiliar, the film follows the adventures of the titular Ralph, an 8-bit video game villain bent on proving his innate goodness and worth by fighting through other arcade games to earn a medal, something his disparate video game co-workers have assured him will give him self-worth.

I’d like to say I stood up and lit another Camel to write this, but my intentions were selfish, were aimed at recreating the false reality of what so many deem important. But it simply isn’t true.

Liberals have a special tendency to believe their beliefs make them far more enlightened and fail to cover that up in their personalities. Here is a shortlist of the worst offenders.

While his legendary accomplishments (let’s mention that he’s also a Rhodes scholar) may give him a squeaky-clean, Mayberry-esque image, he is also a crude and intelligent politician.

So in the spirit of drastic speculation and/or wish fulfillment, here are several directors who could regenerate the series in their own image.

New York breeds suffering and suffering breeds creativity.

For the latest getaways for lovers, here’s Weekend Update’s City Correspondent, Chuck Klosterman!

Las Vegas is one of the most frequently changing cities in the world. One year it will be Disneyland, the next it will be Mad Max territory.

It’s an insanity, one that no amount of rational calming from friends or loved ones seems to heal. I can guzzle cranberry juice and take a Daily Men’s vitamin and have the nurse triage on speed dial, but nothing calms it.

Most people aren’t witty and they tend to be far uglier than we expect.

You can memorize as many quotes from Bertrand Russell and Benjamin Franklin as you like, but few will put the argument to rest as quickly as “I don’t know.”

Apple’s lengthy history of near-plagiarism (let’s include the Apple-Braun comparisons currently making their way through the tubes) would not be so bad if they were not consistently and fervently fighting the same nature of innovation Jobs helped to birth.

Within one week of him moving in, he had thrown four parties in our apartment. And by “party”, I mean “he and three male friends rolled a blunt, drank Natty Light, and played either beer pong or Mike Tyson interview highlights while calling every female high school senior in the area to which they hadn’t already given gonorrhea.”

I had no interest in being away from you ever.