If Famous Authors Were SNL’s Weekend Update City Correspondents

Seth Myers: It’s almost Halloween, and families all across the country are planning visits to the city. Here with some tips on the best locales is Weekend Update’s City Correspondent, Ernest Hemingway!

Ernest Hemingway: Thank you, thank you.

SM: So, Ernest, where’s a great place to go this Halloween?

EH: The treachery of costume is one of bemusement. The filling of a void by disguise. And is it not the true, the powerful, the romantic? The children laugh the child songs. Begging for sweets is a beggar’s game by nature, one only enforced by the bitched life we live from birth and we are sacred to nothing and consider nothing sacred because that is as we are told to be.

SM: Okay, but where do you suggest families go for a traditional New York Halloween celebration?

EH: New York is a town full of liars and princesses. It is a narrow island with four midsections like an insect. The only place worth going is one with a solid dancer and a good whiskey that breaks your spirit into the pieces of humility you deserve. The men are weakened by their appreciation of beauty like the children are brought to shame for sugar. There is no savior in this town but only the despair of a drunk who cannot lick the bottle from the inside. It is only the best families that deserve their righteousness, so says the island we sit on.

SM: You aren’t very familiar with New York City, are you?

EM: My home is chasing the marlin on an angler’s mission of feeling the death of an unseen creature which poisons the mind but engorges the ambition.

SM: Ernest Hemingway, everyone!

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Seth Myers: Christmas is just around the corner, and families from all over will be visiting New York for a special holiday. Here with the best places for holiday cheer is Weekend Update’s City Correspondent, E. E. Cummings!

E. E. Cummings: Greetings

are (li)ke butter

fly sp

it

SM: So, E. E., where do you think families can find some good Christmas cheer?

EEC: Happi(ness) in the green

Coniferous indulge

in my jelly for

the

masses of joyfullishness

SM: Yes, but I was thinking more for my mom who comes up this season. Any places come to mind?

EEC: Mothermilk responds

is this (not) your lace

on the tables

which you have set

in the imaginationairy

tools of my

desires and dreams are

Well(come) to this life

SM: E. E. Cummings, everyone!

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Seth Myers: Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and with it many couples will be looking for a romantic night on the town. For the latest getaways for lovers, here’s Weekend Update’s City Correspondent, Chuck Klosterman!

Chuck Klosterman: It’s very fastidious to be here with you.

SM: I don’t think you’re using that word correctly.

CK: Did Steve Miller use “pompatus” correctly in “The Joker”? Did Van Morrison use “fantabulous” correctly in “Moondance”? Did Wilhelm von Humboldt use “Weltanschauung” correctly in The Heterogeneity of Language and its Influence on the Intellectual Development of Mankind? Fuck you, Seth.

SM: Okay… do you have any club suggestions for people coming to the city for Valentine’s Day?

CK: Romantic partners are in luck this weekend. Warrant, the open epitome of stripper rock, will be performing at the New York City Center for an Autism Awareness benefit. While largely tied to their 1990 hit “Cherry Pie,” I always thought it was the opening track on their 1989 debut Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich entitled “32 Pennies” that best exemplified their disdain for Reagan-era supply side economics. And their late arrival to the metal scene exemplified what we all know, that the transition from hair metal to grunge was what showed love had transitioned from being equivalent to hate to being the exact same fucking thing. [1]

SM: Chuck Klosterman, everyone!

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Seth Myers: St. Patrick’s Day is coming soon, and many people from across the country will be visiting New York City for a little Irish cheer. Here with some tips is Weekend Update’s City Correspondent, Dante Alighieri!

Dante: It is the deepest pleasure which says to me

The bloods of companionship run always deep

In the bold green spirits which haunt revelry

SM: So what are some great new bars for St. Patrick’s Day?

D: Thou bones but broken twigs bleeding in sore sleep

And their cries will fill the dimmed night sky with years

Of angst and denial. They are the punished heap.

SM: Yes, but doesn’t the city offer plenty of traditional Irish pubs?

D: Sobriety is the treachery of seers

Barkers and skinners are bastion of hell

Awaiting the souls of damned and human beers

SM: I’m sorry, what’s a human beer?

D: It’s that thing when a naked guy with a really bad tan bleaches his hair so it looks like foam.

SM: Dante Alighieri, everyone!