Bella Brennan

While we’re on the topic of marriage, shout out to the dweebs who update their surname on Facebook moments after saying “I do.” Get off your phone, go back to your wedding, and eat some goddamn sponge cake, will you??

4. It feels like you’re kicking goals when you traipse out to Ikea with your best mate and stock up on fresh bedding, towels, fake flowers and scented candles. It’s amazing how such trivial ornaments help convince you life’s coming together.

So when their phone goes BEEP and they look at your message with no excitement and put it back in their pocket: they’re not worth it. Imagine them doing this every time you text them.

Sure, anyone can be charming, cute and full of compliments when you’re hanging out but when you bid farewell to your net-babe what the hell happens behind closed doors? Do they collect their toenails in a jar?