We Both Know That We Aren’t ‘Just Friends’

I don’t think I can do this anymore. The constant push and pull. The waiting by the phone, willing your name to pop up on my screen. I can’t keep my anxiety under control anymore. I spend my days afraid of you, so worried about my every word and move. I spend my nights crying myself to sleep and desperately trying to figure out what I did to make you ignore me again.

This isn’t fair to either of us anymore.

I can’t believe I have become this desperate again. Just like I used to do whatever I could to keep his attention, I find myself trying to do the same with you. I give and I give and I give, and I am empty.

You are not the same person that I first met. You are no longer interested in how my day went or what I’m currently writing. You just sit back and watch as I spiral, just as the puppeteer sits back, controlling his puppet. You know that you will always have the upper hand and the control because I would do anything not to lose you.

I promised myself that I would never put myself in this situation again. I did such a good job of guarding my heart for so long until you forced your way into my life. You pushed and pushed until our friendship became something more. And yet, you have always made it clear that you would never actually be interested in dating me. I have too many deal-breakers to make me right for you, but a good enough body to make you keep me around until someone better comes along.

Tell me, what happens then? Will you disappear as quickly as you came into my life? Will you leave and start your life with someone else, while I sit here wondering how I could have let this happen again?

How could I have been so naive to think that anything real could ever exist between us?

I told myself that I would be your comfort so you wouldn’t have to weather your storm alone. Did I learn nothing from my time as the darkness his heart needed?

When will I realize that a relationship is not about how much of yourself you can give to someone else; it’s about what you can create together.

A relationship should not create fear or anxiety. A relationship should not leave you crying yourself to sleep. A real relationship solves problems when they are created; it shouldn’t just amplify them.

Someone once told me that they had to ghost me because they liked me too much. At the time, I was outraged. I thought their statement was ridiculous and heartless. How could you abandon someone you supposedly care for so much?

I think I understand now.

Over and over again in my life, I have been taught the lesson “if you love them, let them go.”

I think that might be what’s best for us, so you can move forward without me weighing you down and I can go back to finding whatever it is I am still searching for in this life.

Because I can tell you that it is definitely not this.

Why can’t I just let you go?