February Feels Like You

You’ve been on my mind a lot lately.

February is here, but you are not.

And every time I think I have finally shaken the feeling that is you, a memory comes flooding back, and I am lost.

I cannot believe a year has passed since we reconnected. It feels like just yesterday I was in your arms and everything was perfect. I was happy for the first time in a long time, and I was starting to remember what it felt like to be in love.

I had never felt more comfortable with my body than when I was with you. You were the first person to make me feel whole. The day that you left I lost a part of myself I had only just discovered. I am trying so desperately to remember what it felt like to be comfortable in my own skin, but I fear I will never find that comfort again.

I shouldn’t have made you my comfort, but how could I not when your arms felt like home?

For the first time in my life, I caught a glimpse of what life could be like with someone who truly cares about you. I saw how people who love you don’t even have to think about doing nice things for you; it is just second nature.

I wasn’t a burden or a buzzkill. I was someone you chose to have in your life. Thank you for seeing in me what I had rarely seen in myself.

I still cannot believe that someone I spent so few nights with has impacted me so much. In three years, I had only a handful of good days with him. I had only a handful of days with you, and it is still difficult to find any bad.

Maybe I was the only thing that went wrong.

Maybe she was the danger ahead we both tried so desperately to avoid, but you still chose her anyway.

And it hurts me every day to know that I inadvertently chose this.

I let my jealousy consume me; I knew it would never be the same.

But I did it anyway.

I should have known the day we reconciled that some things are too good to be true.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have felt the exact same way about you.

But I loved you anyway.