When The Memories Won’t Fade

I’ve burned the midnight oil and started in on the dawn.

I’m going through old memories and trying to match them up with who I see right now but nothing adds up and my world doesn’t make sense anymore.

One second we’re here, watching the ice skaters in the park and then fast forward to two strangers sharing a bed that feels like a prison.

How can you feel so far away from someone who is so physically close to you?

It’s like the closer we got to each other, the less I could distinguish between my dream and your reality.

And I will never really know if anything we had was real, but maybe it is better this way. Maybe we are better off never knowing our “what if?”

If I am alone and you are not, I hope that you are happy. I hope you get everything from her that I could not give you and then some.

If I am alone and you are not, I cannot help but blame myself for my own misfortune.

Sometimes I don’t think we understand the weight of our words until they make the hit.

And sometimes I think that we do, but we pretend to watch in innocent horror anyway. 

I didn’t have to say the things to you that I did.

I didn’t have to question everything; sometimes I think I need to really learn to leave “well-enough” alone.

Alone.

I am so fucking alone.

But there is a part of me that knows that this is what I want.

I am in it for the thrill of the chase, but once I’ve won, I do not want the prize.

I’m collecting men like trophies in a cabinet, but the trick is, I never lock the door.

And I hardly think twice about if they leave.

Maybe it’s all out of fear or maybe it is my own self-loathing spurring all of this on, but I cannot help but wonder how long it will be before I finally meet someone who can capture my attention for more than just one moment.

It is times like these where I really start to wonder if you were it.

And if our time together really is done.

Maybe we are all guaranteed a soulmate in this life but what kind of time we get with them is not.

Maybe you were my one-in-a-million and maybe I will spend the rest of my life wondering why.

Why can’t I meet someone else and just move on from this?

It’s like I know that it is over, but I keep turning the last page hoping for a different outcome.

It’s blank.

And I don’t think we will ever get the chance to complete it.