I Am Hurting But I Am Also Healing

How long it has taken me to learn to forget the past and move on? This is the last thing that comes to my mind when I’m about to drop into bed. It’s probably as long as it’s taken me to learn the difference between solitude and loneliness.

The pain in my heart is still killing me. I don’t even remember the last time I was happy.

The problem with our hearts is that we get used to having them, capable of loving too hard and capable of caring. We get used to loving the same old world in the same old way and we couldn’t step out to its door and past the iron wall of loneliness that surrounds them.

If truth be told, I’m a woman born to love and to be loved, and yet, I’m alone.

I am a woman who cries in the middle of the night until the birds of dawn pick away the debris of darkness, echoing my pain and screaming someone’s name.

I am a woman who often becomes bored with life and finds it very difficult to get up for work in the morning.

I am a woman who, more often than not, has a bad hair day, who looks in the mirror and keeps wondering why I couldn’t drag myself to a salon.

I am a woman who spends much of my life in the company of my own.

I am a woman who smiles to cover up the pain, emptiness, and sadness.

I am a woman who lies about being fine.

I am a woman who wishes to stand outside my own life and to finally reveal its marvelous truth and see the old anew. To close my eyes one night, long enough to erase the accustomed scene deep within me and realize I’m not in the same place anymore; to stand outside the wall I have built in my life to protect me; to allow God to touch and fill my broken heart with His love and peace. For I know, God doesn’t want me to be exhausted. God wants me to be happy. God wants me to rest. Because it is a waste of an amazing gift He has given me if I do not know the value of my life. And so, I will no longer allow myself to waste a single tear cascading down to my cheeks.

And I will always, always remember to bless my heart with the gift of healing. To see the beauty in most of the people I will cross path with.