Barry Gilmore

A friend of mine had paid for his Match profile in advance, but had met a great girl and no longer needed it. Dying to find out what it was really like for the females, we jumped into action. We deleted his profile, images, everything – and replaced it with a woman we called SuzieQ.

Do you really want to say the words “…so, you grew up Harrisburg?” while some dick airs out his soulful acoustic cover of “Bad Romance” in the corner? No, you do not. Live music is loud, distracting, and frequently terrible, so avoid band bars at all costs.

This weekend I wanted to see Blue Valentine, but I was well aware of its reputation. “Great movie,” a friend texted me, “but it ruins relationships.” Not a problem for me (see: this entire website), but when I started calling around for movie companions, I made a gruesome discovery. Three couples I am personally aware of saw Blue Valentine and in the subsequent days, broke up.

The roommate said…AHEM…”after she broke up with you she moved in with a guy who lived in a shack.” How do you know you’ve won a breakup? When within 90 days your ex is without running water or indoor plumbing. When her mailing address becomes “Next To The Big Oak Tree With The Knot In It.”

In real life, winking is totally unacceptable. If you were at the end of the bar and a stranger leaned in, caught your eye, then winked at you – you’d call the cops. Normal people don’t wink. Cowboys do, and people in old movies, and terrible terrible politicians. A head nod, fine. A smile, acceptable. But a wink?

Seriously though, being different is the only important thing. There are so many profiles on each site, and so many of them are earth-shatteringly boring – you need to make setting yourself apart your primary objective.

Some men put their children on their knee and tell them about the time they scored the game-winning touchdown in the big homecoming game, I will tell my son about the time I created the perfect email that let me meet only fantastic women. OK, a few fantastics and a lot of crazies. Now I pass on the formula to you, guard it with your lives.

So here is my advice on lying: do it. Within reason. Describe you on your best day, or – even better – what would your Mom say about you if she met a friend at the drug store? There’s your dating profile. (Unless your Mom is at the drug store to pick up a prescription for the weird rash you have on growing on your private parts. Then say something else.)

I have gone on terrible Internet dates so you don’t have to. Take these stories, friends, learn from them, and pass them on. The stigma from computer dating is gone now, nearly everyone has tried it. Perhaps you yourself are considering it right now. First, read these. You’re welcome.